


Fault Lines

by Devil Betty (einfach_mich)



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Humor, Cousin Incest, Dubious Consent, F/M, Light Bondage, Mild Kink, Mild Painplay, Oral Sex, Penis In Vagina Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-12
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-05-19 23:36:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 30,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5984851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/einfach_mich/pseuds/Devil%20Betty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rey has always dreamed of a family. She starts to believe she could have it when she moves in with her new foster mother, Leia Organa. Then Leia’s son, Ben, moves back home and threatens to ruin the life Rey is trying to build. Nothing will prepare either of them for the truth. Some family secrets should stay hidden.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ THE TAGS!!!
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Incest (First Cousins to be specific), Mentions of suicide, mentions of drug and alcohol abuse, Age Gap, Violent Outbursts, vomiting, and a scene of dubious consent. 
> 
> Note: I didn't mark this underage as Rey is 17 in the story which is the age of consent where I live and am setting the story.
> 
> Special Thanks: I would not have been able to write this story without the invaluable technical and emotional support of partlygood and writingkasse. Thank you both for holding my hand while I power wrote this opus. 
> 
> Dedication: This is for anyone who went through “VC Andrews phase.” I was one of those assholes who teased you, and I’m sorry. I hope this makes up for my ignorance and internalized misogyny.

I was no one.

I literally had nothing. 

No family. No home. I didn’t even have a last name. Which was good, in a way. When you don’t have anything, you have nothing to lose. 

It’s better that way. Nothing to tie you down. That’s what I used to tell myself. 

It helped, pretending not to care. It was all a front, though. Not real. Just an elaborate web of bullshit you spin to keep yourself going. To distract yourself from an empty belly and soul-sucking loneliness. Sometimes acting tough is the only way to survive when you have no hope. 

At night, when I was alone and didn’t have to pretend I was strong, I would close my eyes and imagine a different a life. A better one, with a family. Where I was safe, and never cold or hungry. It wasn’t real, just another lie like all the rest, but it was how I got by. 

If I ever had a family I don’t remember them. What I do recall of my mother is mostly manufactured. Two parts what I’ve been told by other people, one part actual memories. Her smile. The way she used to style my hair in three buns down the center of my head, like a funky little mohawk. She called me Rey, her ray of sunshine.

After that it was foster care, group homes, and an endless parade of would-be parents. There was Plutt, a gross guy who always smelled like engine oil. He was a mechanic, and had a bad temper. Whenever I pissed him off, usually for doing nothing more than laughing too loud or asking for food, he would lock me in a closet for hours. Then there was Maz, a nice old lady who had a lot of cats. She was really funny, and told me stories about how she used to be a car thief. Turned out she wasn’t making them up. She got arrested for running a car chopping operation with her nephew. I heard she jumped bail and fled to Mexico. I used to imagine her coming back for me. Eventually, that dream died, like all the rest. 

After almost ten years of being shuffled in and out of foster homes, I gave up. I realized I didn’t get happy endings, because no one comes back for girls like me. Family was just a word, a fairy tale they tell orphans to help them sleep at night.

I got fed up with the shuffle of being in the system, and I finally ran away. Decided living on the streets was way better than starving in closets, or being ignored by people who just wanted to collect a check. At first it was scary, but I’m small and I can run fast. It didn’t take me long to learn how to panhandle and steal. I wasn’t a big deal criminal; I mostly stuck to petty snatch-and-grab stuff. 

It was bad luck that got me busted. It was raining and all my usual spots were taken. Without a lot of options, I decided to try camping in a car. Sometimes people leave their cars unlocked, but usually I only checked them to steal stuff. That night I just wanted a dry place to sleep. I found one. Too bad I was still asleep when the owner found me and called the cops.

The arresting officer, a black guy who barely looked older than me, was actually really cool. His name was Finn, and he really saved my ass in more than one way. He put me in my own cell so I didn’t have to hang with the other inmates, who would have definitely kicked my ass. Jail wasn’t as scary as people made it out to be. My cell was clean, I got to shower and eat for free. While I was waited for my arraignment I tried to convince myself that I could deal with juvie, as long as I was warm and well fed. It wasn’t really working. Then Finn brought some old dude to my cell, a detective named Han Solo. 

I knew the name, Solo. Heard whispers about how he was a decent guy, for a cop. The rumors turned out to be true. He not only got the judge to go easy on me, giving me a couple months of probation, but he even found me a foster home. 

Ms. Organa was a social worker, and Mr. Solo’s “ex old lady.” His words, not mine. I thought it was a little weird, but anything was better than jail. 

Suddenly, my life had completely changed. I went from living on the streets one day to a nice house in the suburbs the next. I even had my own room. Ms. Organa was nice, like really nice. She was also tough as nails.

When she came to pick me up from jail, I saw her take down a huge guy with a punch to the stomach. He was being brought in by a cop, and got loose. When he ran for the door, Ms. Organa just stepped in front of him and  _ boom _ . It was like something you see in an action movie, only instead of Captain America knocking the dude out it was a short old lady. 

She was not all action moves at home. Most days she just talked about her garden and tried to feed me every time I turned around. I was grateful to not be hungry, and didn’t even mind that we had to buy me new clothes because my old ones didn’t fit. 

She and Mr. Solo took me shopping, which was weird and funny. Weird because I’d never bought new clothes in my entire life. I didn’t even know what to pick, there were so many options. Funny because Mr. Solo looked like he was being tortured, pouting in the corner of the store while holding Ms. Organa’s purse. She eventually told him to stop complaining, and thanked me for indulging her. “I never had a daughter.” 

At one point when I came out of the dressing room in a dress that felt a little tight and barely covered my ass, Mr. Solo made a face, and grumbled something about getting me pepper spray. Ms. Organa laughed loudly at him, and insisted we get the dress. They were so strange. For two people who were divorced, they sure acted like a married couple. 

Mr. Solo came by almost every day to “check on me,” but he always ended up hovering around Ms. Organa. They would bicker and snark at each other, but when they didn’t know I could see, they would kiss and hug each other too. It was really sweet, until they ganged up on me, and started talking about my future. 

They wanted me to get my GED and apply to college. It all made my head spin, but in a good way. People usually didn’t care about me, much less thought I was smart enough to go to college. It was all very new and weird, but I liked it. 

I existed in that happy little bubble for three weeks. Happy with my foster family, and the promise of a future that wouldn’t suck. It felt good, made me comfortable. So of course something had to go wrong. 

Okay, so you know how you’re kind of half asleep when you first wake up in the morning? Everything is hazy around the edges. Like you’re still sort of dreaming, but not because you speed walking to the bathroom because you really have to pee. That was me that morning. So distracted, I didn’t piece everything together at first. 

I thought, when I heard singing, it was just the TV. Ms. Organa occasionally would forget to turn it off before she left for work. I was confused when I opened the bathroom door and steam poured out. There was no way it could have been left over from her shower. I had been woken up by a text from her telling me she was going to pick me up so we could have lunch together. 

I was sure I was alone in the house. No one else had been in the house since I was living there. Mr. Solo had his own apartment and rarely stayed the night. 

So when the steam cleared a little to reveal a tall guy in a towel staring at me, I didn’t know what to do. I could lie and say my first instinct was to run. That’s what you’re supposed to do when you find a strange guy half naked in your bathroom. 

The truth was I thought he was hot. He was all wet, his long black hair dripping onto his bare chest and shoulders. I could see the muscles in his chest and stomach flex as he put his hands on his hips. 

I was so lucky he wasn’t some serial killer. It was like all my survival skills and street smarts fell out of my head. All I could think was he was really pretty, and his nose was really big. It was like my brain had shut off. I probably drooled. It was that bad.

“Hello.” His voice was really deep. It made me shiver a little.

“Hi.” I lifted my hand in a weird little wave that I immediately regretted. 

“You’re Rey, right?” 

I nodded. He smiled, and slowly walked over to lean in the doorway. It was like watching a live action porno, but a good one. Not all fake boobs and facials. 

“I’m Ben.” He reached out his hand, and I took it. “Leia’s son.”

A spark of static electricity jumped between our fingers. It arced in a little flash of blue. I jumped back, and that seemed to jolt me out of whatever malfunction I was going through. Leia was Ms. Organa’s name. Ben was her son. She never mentioned she had a son.

“Oh right,” I lied, badly, and he saw right through me. 

“She didn’t tell you about me.” It wasn’t a question. 

Just like that his smile was gone, like the sun disappearing behind a cloud. He was angry too. I could almost feel it radiating off him. That scared me. I never liked when people got angry. In my experience it always lead to bad things. Which is probably why I completely freaked out. 

He moved. I’m not even sure why, I was too busy rabidly stepping backward to notice. I didn’t stop until the banister hit me in the back, knocking me off balance. The floor went out from under my feet, and I was falling. I could feel all my weight pulled me sideways, toward the stairs. 

Ben caught me before I fell. His thick arms wrapped around me, pulling me close to his bare chest. He was so close I could feel his breath on my cheek. I panicked and fought his hold on me. Slapped and shoved at him. When he let me go, I fell to the floor in a heap. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he yelled, so loud it echoed in the hallway, rang in my ears. 

I was on my feet, running for my bedroom. My heart raced as I ducked inside and slammed the door. I slid to the floor, tried to catch my breath. 

I hadn’t freaked out like that in a while. It embarrassed me. Despite Ben’s anger, I didn’t think he was going to actually hurt me. Of course, my racing heart and the panicked sweat covered my body didn’t care about reality. I hated it, how it made me feel so weak and silly. 

Later that afternoon, when Ms. Organa got home, it only got worse. She introduced Ben and I, which was awkward enough since we’d been avoiding each other. She told me he was going to be staying at the house while he looked for a new apartment. I did my best to look cool with the situation, even though I was still really embarrassed and uncomfortable. 

Ben immediately complained about how I walked in on him in the bathroom. I was humiliated, and sure I was going to be in trouble. Luckily, Ms. Organa wasn’t in the least bit sympathetic to Ben. 

“If you’re so shy use your own bathroom next time.” She actually rolled her eyes. 

I laughed. It was more of a nervous reaction than honest laughter. That didn’t matter to Ben. He walked out, and stomped all the way to his room. After he slammed the door, I apologized to Ms. Organa.

She shrugged. “Don’t take it personally, dear. It’s not about you.”

I wanted to believe her, but as the days passed, Ben seemed to always be mad at me. No matter what I did, he always seemed exasperated or annoyed with me. He would correct how I talked. Apparently, I say envelope wrong. Which is the end of the fucking world to Ben. 

He was constantly groaning when I was in his way, or he had to wait for me to do something. Whenever I was using something he needed, he would act like I was an asshole for hogging it. He even criticized how I made my fucking coffee. Everything sucked, and it was all my fault. 

I finally got fed up with his shit. He made a snide comment about how I spilled orange juice on the counter and I snapped. Right when I yelled that I was going to shove the juice carton up his ass, Ms. Organa walked into the kitchen. I was sure that was going to be it. Everything would end right there and I’d be kicked out, sent to back a group home or jail. 

One thing you learn quick in foster care is the real kids always count more. Doesn’t matter how mean or wrong they are, they’re blood. Real family trumps foster kids every time. 

I was about to apologize when Ms. Organa turned to Ben and lost her shit. She told him to leave me the hell alone or she would make him go stay with his father. Ben straightened. It was like he grew another foot. I swear his hair brushed the ceiling. He didn’t say a word. He just turned and left the house. 

After that he avoided me. Like, left the room whenever I walked in. It was so weird, but at least he wasn’t bugging me as much. He still complained, though a little less assholishly, and he found silly ways to fuck with me. Like telling me I looked like an old lady in a dress, or flicking food at me when we at the dinner table. It was like living with six-foot, three-inch tall twelve year old.  

I told myself I had less than two months of my probation left. I had my GED, and Ms. Organ was helping me to apply to college. I figured I could just hold on, suffer his bullshit, and soon enough he would either get an apartment or I’d be off to school.

That was the plan, at least. I should have known nothing ever goes how I plan. Especially when Ben’s involved. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to write this because I was annoyed by anti-reylos claiming it was gross or wrong to ship Reylo if they turned out to be related and I’ve never written a story like this before.
> 
> I also wanted to explore what it would be like to write a story where the readers knew the big twist while the characters didn’t. Hopefully knowing that Rey and Ben are related will only make the story that much more compelling and exciting to read.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rey discovers Ben's phone and does a bad bad thing.

A month into living, with Ben--suffering was more like it--and I was sort of getting used to his bullshit. It was still fucking bizarre, having this grown ass dude stomping around and throwing fits like he was the teenager, instead of me. Spoiled, that’s how Ben acted. While I really liked Ms. Organa and Mr. Solo, it was frustrating to watch them baby Ben all the time, with a quiet voice and a light touch whenever he flipped out, which was a lot. 

Okay, maybe I was a little jealous. I would have never dared talk to either of them the way Ben did, much less break things. Though there were plenty of times in my life I’ve wanted to put my fist through a window and yell at the top of my lungs. Not that I had any real complaints about Ms. Organa or Mr. Solo. 

The things I had to deal with over the years, disappointment and heartbreak, all stacked up in a mountain of shit, and all I could ever do was suck it up and keep moving. One slip up could get me thrown out, or worse, disappoint people I really care about. 

Ben didn’t seem to even care what anyone thought, even his parents. Everything he thought just came out of his mouth no matter who was around. One of Ms. Organa’s coworkers came over for dinner and he ended up in a heated debate with her about politics, of all things. Ben had never seemed that interested in anything other than his hair and guitar, much less politics. It seemed like he was trying to get one up on her, like he was showing off or something. At one point in between making some point about education reform or something, I caught him glancing at me. I was so annoyed, I just rolled my eyes and went back to shoveling food into my mouth. 

The conversation died shortly after that and Ben left, claiming he had a date. Ms. Organa spent the rest of the meal apologizing to her coworker. I felt embarrassed too. Not sure why, Ben was the one who acted like an ass. It was like he had taken a shit in the middle of the table and left it for us to clean it up. For some reason, I felt responsible.

It got even weirder a few days later, when I noticed Ben had left his phone at the house. I found it on the kitchen counter when I went down to get some coffee. I called out his name, and even went up to his room to tell him he left it downstairs. Only he wasn’t home. 

Who leaves the house without their phone? 

So, I went back to the kitchen, continued to sip my coffee and pretended like I didn’t notice his phone. I almost had the act down when it began to buzz and hop on the counter. The screen lit up with an image of Hux, the lead guitarist of Ben’s band, passed on a toilet. Boys. After a minute the call went to voicemail and the phone was still again. I returned to my coffee, and pretending I didn’t care. Then the phone buzzed again, this time with a new text message. Ben’s phone lit up, the message flashing across the screen. 

**Quit jerking off to your foster sister and call me back, asshole!**

The message seemed to glow, like it was making fun of me. I stared at it, not sure I was actually seeing it clearly. Then it went dark. I grabbed the phone, touched the screen and it immediately brought up the lock screen. Of course Ben had his phone password protected. 

I type in his birthday, because why not? The only reason I knew the date was because his dad mentioned he was born on Halloween. Actually he made a joke about it while they were getting ready to go out for dinner, and Ben got so mad he put his fist wrist deep in the wall before storming out of the house. I remembered how Ms. Organa got upset and Mr. Solo apologized to her before leaving himself. The phone buzzed, and the display turned red. 

INCORRECT PASSWORD

It was silly. I set down the phone and tried to forget about about the text while I rinsed my dishes and loaded the dishwasher. Maybe the text wasn’t even about me. I mean, it wasn’t like Ms. Organa hadn’t had foster kids before me. I didn’t remember her mentioning them, but it could have happened. Maybe Ben was fixated on some other girl he actually liked, unlike me. He couldn’t even spend more than a few minutes in the same room as me without saying something sarcastic, weird, or generally shitty. That’s when he didn’t just leave the minute I walked in. Ms. Organa tried to make me feel better, claiming he was just shy, but that was bullshit. Ben wasn’t shy. He was just an asshole. 

_ What if he’s telling Hux gross lies about me? _ The thought popped into my head and wouldn’t get out. It wasn’t out of the question. The idea nagged at me until I grabbed the phone again and tried to think of another possible password. Images of Ben and his bandmates making jokes about me dancing in my head. Ugh, his band. 

The Knights of Ren. What the hell kind of name is that? Ben claimed they were “experimental metal.” Whatever the hell that was supposed to be. It sounded like hammering metal, bagpipes, and Ben singing in a weird low voice. They wore all black, and took themselves way too seriously. Ben even had a stage name, Kylo Ren, and wore a mask that made his voice even lower than it was normally. 

I typed in Kylo, but it wasn’t right either. The phone display warned that I had more one chance and then the phone would be locked. What kind of weirdo protections does Ben put on his phone? I put the phone down and chewed my lip, wondering if I should just leave it alone and go upstairs. 

Of course, I started thinking about the one time I got see Ben’s band play live. I was curious, especially since the few times they practiced at the house he barred me from the garage, saying they didn’t need anymore groupies. Jerk.

So, I snuck out one night when I knew they were playing a local club. The club was a dive. They didn’t even look at my face when we paid the cover, much less ask for ID. The show was okay, weird and really loud. But there was this one song. Ben took off his ridiculous mask, and the rest of the band stood idle while he played his bass and sang in his normal voice. I can still remember the chorus:

_ Skywalker, _

_ I’ll take the heavens for you and I. _

_ Skywalker, _

_ I will make us gods, we will never die _

_ It’s our turn to get it right _

_ Just hold on, for one more night. _

Cheesy, right? Yeah. It totally sounded like a love song. Not like any of the Knights of Ren stuff. I swear, at one point I thought he looked right at me while he was singing. I typed “Skywalker” into the phone and held my breath. The phone opened to the home screen and a weight dropped through the bottom of my stomach. I’d done it. There was no turning back. 

I opened up the text messages and read through his recent conversations with Hux. It was all boring band stuff and shit talking each other. The most recent message was the only thing at all related to me. Talk about disappointment. 

So there I was with Ben’s open phone, in an empty house, and nothing to do. Of course I looked through it. Who wouldn’t? Though sadly most of the stuff on his phone was boring. Apps like Yelp, and and social media stuff, but all those were set up to promote his band. 

His Twitter account was under the name Kylo Ren and was about as silly as you can imagine. So many Morrissey quotes. His direct messages were jam packed with girls trying to hit on him, even a couple of nude pics. Which kind of pissed me off. Not that I really knew why, it was just gross and weird. I closed Twitter and decided to see if he had any weird videos on his phone. 

I opened up the video player app, and it auto played for some reason. The moaning sounded so loud. I swear it echoed in the kitchen. It was porn. There was porn playing on Ben’s phone. I saw skin and movement, immediately panicked and closed the app. 

For a minute, I felt guilty. Like maybe I shouldn’t be doing this at all. Then I decided to just look in the pictures and close the evil thing, and leave it all alone. I was curious what kind of pictures an emo weirdo like Ben took, if he took any at all. 

Well, there were a lot. 

As soon as I opened up his pictures I saw an album named “Rey.” My pulse raced, and my palms started sweating. The display said the folder had over two hundred images in it. What the hell? It couldn’t be about me. My brain just didn’t want to believe it. 

I opened the Rey folder and nearly fell over. It was me. Picture after picture. My face, smiling and laughing. Me reading on the back porch. Even a picture of me waiting at the bus stop down the street.  _ When did he even take these,  _ I wondered as I scrolled. I never saw him around. Then I spotted one that looked dark, but also kind of familiar. I tapped it, and as soon as it came into focus, filling of the screen, I knew exactly when he took it. I almost dropped the phone. It was from that night at the club, when I saw him perform with his band. 

Ben had just come off stage, he was still in his black robe thing. All sweaty, and his cheeks flushed pink. He towered above the crowd, as he approached the bar and asked for a beer. I walked up, trying to figure out something cool to say about the song or maybe something snarky about his outfit. Ben, as usual, beat me to the punch. He turned around, locked his eyes on me and took a long sip of his beer. Then he lowered the bottle and said “shouldn’t you be at home?” He walked away, not even waiting for my response. I watched him disappear into the crowd, close to tears and not even sure why. 

Now, I was staring at a picture of me, wiping my eyes on the sleeve of my hoodie. He took this right after being a complete asshole to me. Why take all these pictures, and then treat me like I’m diseased all the time? What was wrong with him? It didn’t make any sense. 

Then, suddenly it made a lot of sense. 

I closed the pictures and reopened the video. The bizarre, wet sounds of sex filled the kitchen around me while I watched naked people fucking on the tiny screen of Ben’s phone. It only took a few seconds to see it. The girl’s face flashed on the screen a few times. Brown hair, brown eyes, and pale skin. She could be my older sister, with bigger boobs and a lot of tattoos. I kept watching. I couldn’t stop. Now, I was watching the guy, but his face wasn’t ever in the frame. He was definitely taller than the girl, his skin paler, and his dick was...big. Like intimidatingly big. 

Now, I was no virgin. I didn’t know how anyone could make it to seventeen in the system and still be one, and I’d seen plenty of porn. I had internet on my phone. This dick was porn star big. So at that point I was pretty sure this must be some internet porn Ben downloaded because apparently he was into girls who looked like me. 

I was still really numb about the entire thing. None of it computed with the Ben I knew, who seemed to hate everyone, especially me. Him having some secret crush on me didn’t make any kind of sense. 

But here I was still watching the porn, because I had nothing else to do. Then the camera shifted, like they were moving it. When it came back into focus it was on the girl, who was on top of the guy. She was bouncing around, moaning a lot. I started to lose interest, and was about to turn it off when I heard Ben’s voice. It was unmistakable, and coming from the video. 

“You want it,” he said in a breathless whisper.

The girl moaned, and said, “yes.”

Ben spoke again, his voice more solid, demanding. “Say it.”

“I want it,” she said, and Ben moaned low. 

The sound made my stomach tighten in a strangely nice way that left me tingly. Shortly after that the video cut out, as the girl called him “Kylo.” Which kind of ruined the tingly feeling I had going on. I stared at the phone for a while, debating with myself about what to do. Then I quickly emailed the video to myself, before I could even think about all the ways it was so wrong. I opened up Ben’s email app, deleted the email form his sent folder. Covering my tracks.

I closed the phone, set it back on the counter, and went to my room. A little while later I heard the front door open, and then close again. I came down after I was sure Ben was gone, and checked the kitchen. The phone was gone. 

Apparently he didn’t notice anything. I got away with it. It felt weirdly good, and very very wrong. I didn’t know what to do. So I went back up to my room, opened up on email and downloaded the video to my phone. 

I figured that if I was going to have to deal with Ben hating me, I should at least get something out of it. The video was something all right. Holy shit was it ever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Yes, I wrote a song, a terrible cheestastic song," she says as she rubs trash on her face and regrets nothing. 
> 
> I blame Ben Solo. Hope you're enjoying the lovely dumpster I've made for us. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> PS: Love as always to partlygood and writingkasse for their help and support.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey turns the table on Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and Kudos. Sorry, I haven't had time to reply, honestly I never know what to say. I figure the best way I can repay you for your support is by getting the story posted in a timely fashion. I hope you agree. 
> 
> I've finished writing the first draft of the story and am in the process of editing chapter by chapter. I will post each chapter as we (my betas and I) finish editing it. I'm aiming for posting three times a week, but it may be even more than that.
> 
> Enjoy.

It had become a problem, an obsession really. I didn’t want to count how many times I had watched the video of Ben. Or how many times I’d rubbed one out while watching it. I felt terrible. I knew it was so wrong, but I couldn’t help myself. 

There was something about the sound of Ben’s voice in that video. I liked how he almost seemed to beg when he said “You want it.” Then later when he told the girl to say it, his voice was low. So fucking low. I swear, I could feel the vibration of the sound as I held the phone, making my hand tremble. 

Sometimes I could feel it even when I wasn’t watching the video. My palm would grow hot from the memory, as my heart raced. As images of sweat slick skin and the sound of Ben’s labored breathing got stuck on repeat in my mind, like the lyrics to his fucking song. 

It always happened at the most embarrassing and inappropriate times. While I was washing dishes or weeding in the garden with Ms. Organa. I’d try to act normal while Ben porno played in my head. Right when I thought I had things under control, I would look up to discover Ben standing right next to me. He would stare at me, almost like he knew what I was thinking. 

The worst was the night I was filling out a pile of financial aid forms. Ms. Organa had it all laid out on the coffee table. I was thankful for having something to do that got me closer to getting out of the house and away from Ben. I sat down on the floor, back to the couch, and got to work. 

It was boring writing my name and address over and over again. Soon enough my mind began to wander, and the picture show began to play in my head. My mind fixated on the way Ben’s stomach muscles contracted when he thrust his hips. Heat blossomed from between my legs and spread through my stomach into my chest, and even reached my cheeks. My nipples were hard, and I was uncomfortable aware of how wet I was already. All while Ms. Organa was giggling at some home improvement show on the TV. It was humiliating, but I couldn’t stop, and if I’m honest I didn’t really want to. 

Then, as if he could smell my shame in the fucking air, Ben strolled into the den and dropped down on the couch behind me. I could feel my face get hot. I was sure I was well past pink and into bright red at that point. There was no way he didn’t see it. I could feel sweat as it beaded along the back of my neck, and slipped down my spine. When I looked over my shoulder, he was stretched out across the length of the couch, typing away on his phone. 

It was torture, trying to focus on the paperwork while he was right there. The cushions shifted against my back every time he moved, reminding me he was inches away. I swear, it felt like he was watching me, but whenever I glanced over his eyes were on his phone, little noises coming from some game he was playing. Seriously, who played games on their phone right next to another person, without saying a word? Ben did.

It took over an hour for me to fill out a few pages of paperwork. Even Ms. Organa made a comment about how long it took. Ben coughed, trying to cover a laugh that was so obvious his mother openly glared at him. It was humiliating. 

Before the torture could go on any longer, I excused myself, claiming I was tired and wanted to get some sleep. I swear, I could feel Ben’s eyes on my back the whole way up the stairs, and even after I closed my bedroom door. I told myself I was just being paranoid. There was no way he could guess I was planning to masturbate, like a gigantic loser. Still, I triple checked the lock on my door before stripping off my jeans, grabbing my earbuds and plugging them into my phone.

Sadly, rubbing myself off to Ben’s video and then falling into a guilty, but surprisingly restful sleep had become my regular nightly routine. I needed a boyfriend. Or at least to get out of the house to meet someone,  _ anyone  _ other than Ben. But that would have required actually dealing with people and that was hard, way too much work. Fantasies were easier.

Once I was in my bed, under my comforter, I started the video again. I had watched it so many times I don’t really need to actually looked it anymore. It was better if I just closed my eyes and listened. That way in my head I could make up whatever scenario I wanted to go along with the sound of Ben’s heavy breathing and the girl’s moaning. I could pretend the girl wasn't some random groupie. In my head, I was the girl in the video. 

My hands were so warm in comparison to the cool skin of my belly, it almost felt like someone else was touching me. My ears were filled with soft sounds of Ben’s breathing, and the small anxious sounds he made during sex. There was something oddly sexy about how desperate he sounded; it made my toes curl. 

I dipped my fingers under the waistband of my panties, and eased them between my legs. It was good, but not nearly enough. I closed my eyes and imagined Ben’s normal “too-cool-for-you” expression melting into something softer, maybe even a little needy. I slipped a finger inside myself, just to get it slick, and used it to draw circles around my clit.

Inside my head, Ben was naked, and on his knees. The thought of it made my hips jerk a little and my hand moved faster. His dick was so hard too. It was that same angry shade of red it turned in the video when he squeezed it in his fist. I thought it looked painful, but Ben let out a hoarse moan that made it seem like he liked it. In my head, I told him to hold his big dick in a tight grip. I wanted him to know that there was no way he could hide how much he wanted me, not any more. No pretending. He would have to admit it.

My body tensed at the thought. A distant fluttering in my belly signaled I was close. Almost there. I could feel my orgasm building. I quickened my pace, teased myself with rougher movements while the Ben inside my head begged to touch me. I was keeping pace with the video.

“You want it,” Ben whispered in my ears.

I slid my fingers right over my clit, turned my head into my pillow, and whispered, “I want it.”  

It was like an explosion, but in a good way. It began at the base of my spine, and spread outward. Sending heat and sparks of pleasure through my body.  Wave after wave made me gasp for breath, as my body contracted with the power of it. I imagined how Ben would look if he saw me in that moment, writhing on my bed, skin flushed from an orgasm. He would watch me with a mixture of jealousy and hunger contorting his face into something that was as scary as it was beautiful. 

A loud banging on my door startled me out of my fantasy and plunged me into a cold panic. Someone was hammering down my door, like the house was on fire. I threw my phone across the room, painfully yanking out my earbuds as I did, and ran to the door. I pulled it open and came face to face with Ben. 

He stared at me for a long moment, eyes cold at first, but then he glanced down and suddenly looked shocked. Like genuinely startled. His eyes shot to the ceiling. Pink started to color his cheeks and the tips of his ears. He was blushing. Ben was actually blushing. 

“Will you put on some goddamn clothes!” he snapped, eyes still on the ceiling. 

I realized I was standing there in a t-shirt and panties. At first, for like a second, I was embarrassed. I was about to close the door, but then something, I don’t even know what, made me stop. Maybe it was the fact that Ben was obviously uncomfortable, or some sort of residual high from just getting off a few minutes before I answered the door. I don't know. Whatever it was, I felt it surge through me. It straightened my spine and even brought a smirk to my lips. 

It was actually a really funny situation. Ben standing there so obviously uncomfortable that he was avoiding looking at me, even though he’d already seen everything there was to see. It seemed so silly and very uncool. I wasn't about to miss out on an opportunity to rub Ben’s nose in it. 

“No.” I actually surprised myself a little. I'd never sounded so confident before. 

Ben’s eyes immediately lowered to fix on me, all the embarrassment gone. Replaced with rage. The color in his cheeks turned an ever darker shade of red, which oddly enough reminded me of the color his dick turned when he was really turned on. Before I realized what was happening I laughed. It burst out of me. I couldn't stop it. 

Oh boy, did Ben not like that. His glaring intensified. His jaw flexed, like he was grinding his teeth. It was the same look he got before he broke something or threw a punch, only now it didn't scare me at all. Because I knew under that scary mask of rage, Ben liked me. He wanted me. The only reason he was so mad right now was because he was afraid I would figure it out. 

The realization hit me like a slap in the face. Suddenly everything made even more sense. Why he always left the room when I came in. All the glaring and snarky comments. He hated that he liked me. 

Even in that tense moment, when he was in full rage mode, I caught his eyes darting down to catch another glimpse of my bare legs. I could hear how his breathing had changed. It matched the way it sounded on the video. 

He was turned on. 

The fact that he seemed to hate it made it even funnier, and kind of hot. I could feel myself contract at the thought, feel how wet I was even without putting my hands between my legs. I wondered if I could get myself off just by making Ben upset. Would it make him angrier to know I was turned on? Could he tell? He had to be able to see my hard nipples through the thin fabric of my t-shirt. 

“Quit fucking around and get dressed.” He spoke through his teeth, never actually opening his jaw. It looked funny, and I almost laughed again. That made me bold. 

I stepped forward, not even sure what I was planning to do. It was more of a test. To see what he would do. Ben practically jumped he moved so fast to get away he slammed his back against the wall on the other side of hallway. He was so flustered, and yet somehow still really pissed at the same time. Like a cornered animal. It was hilarious and kind of sexy. 

“Ben? Rey? Are you two coming down? Hurry up, I need to leave,” Ms. Organa yelled up the stairwell.

All my confidence rushed out of me in an instant. I immediately ducked back into my room and slammed the door. I didn't even bother to look at Ben. 

As I fumbled around my room, searching for my pants I couldn’t stop giggling. I felt a little drunk. It was hilarious. Big Ben, the dark lord of the Knights of Ren was afraid of me. It was too hilarious to be real. I managed to jam myself into my jeans, without falling on my face. I opened my door to find the hallway empty. No sight of Ben. I felt strangely proud, like I’d done something pretty badass. I guess I kind of did.

I headed downstairs, and found Ms. Organa in the dining room. Ben was seated at the table, looking tense and pissy. He didn’t look up at me. I couldn’t help but smile a little. 

“There you are, kiddo. One of my kids got hurt; I have to go check on him in the hospital. He’s young, and I don’t want to leave him alone in a strange place over night.” She grabbed her purse and jacket while she talked. “Now, don’t worry. Ben’s going to here all night so you won’t be alone.” 

“Okay,” was all I could manage to say as she kissed my cheek and told me to call if I needed anything. 

She waved to us both, and closed the door behind her. I stared at the door, practically memorizing the patterns in the wood grain, as I listened to the sound of her car starting up and driving away. One thought ran on repeat in my head. 

_ Oh fuck!  _  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something is bound to break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TIGGER WARNINGS:  
> There's a description of puking. 
> 
> I've added the dub-con tag to this story. 
> 
> I am so sorry if that is a deal breaker for you. It's my own fault for not being thoughtful about how this scene unfolded when I first posted the story. I only realized the scene could be read as dub-con as I edited it today. While, I want to accommodate readers needs, I feel like it's important to be honest to these characters. They are problematic, they aren't nice to each other, and they cross lines they shouldn't. That's part of who they are, so I'm keeping the scene as is. I hope you understand. 
> 
> Basic description of dub-con situation: someone grabs someone else's genitals without asking for consent, and there's even a comment about not being "in the mood." As the author I can assure you it is a situation both parties want, but as it is written it is dubious consent at best. Feel free to message me if you have any more questions.

After I got over the initial shock that I was going to be alone all night with Ben, which took all of two minutes, I took off up the stairs like my ass was on fire. Whatever badassness I had earlier in the hallway was dead and buried. I checked the lock on my door three times before I shut off my lights, and laid in my bed to stare at the ceiling. 

In the dark, my heart pounding, I listened to the creaking of the stairs as Ben climbed them. I held my breath, sure he was going to start pounding on my door again. The knocks never came. 

Heavy footsteps retreated down the hallway. His door shut, and the muffled sounds of music began to vibrate the walls. I let out my breath, slid out of bed, and rooted around on the floor to find my phone. 

It was under a pile of clothes and books still playing the damn porn on a loop. I said a silent prayer of thanks that my ear buds had stayed plugged in. A sick dread coiled in my stomach at the thought of how differently our earlier exchange would have gone if the sounds of Ben’s sex video had been playing full blast when I opened my bedroom door. 

I pushed the thought away, and climbed back into bed. It was only ten, but I suddenly felt so tired. Drained. I turned off my phone and tried my best to fall asleep. 

~~~

It was snowing, only it wasn’t moving. The fat flakes hung in the air, like smoke. As I brushed past them they left a stinging trail along my skin, like razor tipped feathers. I hissed, tried to cover my face, but there was nowhere to hide.  

A red stain covered the ground beneath my feet. The edges were ragged fingers reaching across the white ground, consuming everything they touched. I tired to scream but no sound came out. Something was stuck in my throat. 

I coughed and bent over, a spray of black shot from my mouth splattering the ground. There was still more in my throat, choking me. I gagged, fought to breathe. It had to get out before it killed me. I went to my knees as more black liquid poured out of my mouth. It splattered on the ground, staining my arms and legs. 

I sobbed from the effort. It felt like my insides were pouring out of me. I couldn’t stop it. No matter how I tried, it wouldn’t stop.

~~~

I woke covered in a fine sheen of sweat. My throat was dry and felt raw, like I’d actually been puking. My bed was clean and fairly dry, just a few sweat stains on my pillow. I was still shaking from the memory of the dream. 

It was embarrassing, I wasn’t a kid anymore. Weird dreams shouldn’t leave me trembling and lonely. I hated that feeling, being trapped and powerless. 

I sat up and checked my phone. It was one in the morning. The house was silent, which I assumed meant Ben was asleep. No wonder I had nightmares, with his crappy music shaking the walls. My throat was still dry. I decided to go downstairs and get a glass of water. 

It felt weird creeping downstairs in the dark, using my phone for a flashlight like some dork in a horror movie. When I got to the kitchen I grabbed the water pitcher out of the refrigerator and turned on the light in the hood of the stove so I could see what I was doing. I opened up the cupboard to get a glass. “Fuck.”

Ben was the last person to put away dishes, which meant all that damn glasses were on the top shelf. This had been an ongoing war between us. I preferred the glasses on the lower shelf where I could easily reach them. He preferred the coffee mugs on that shelf, for some fucking reason. Any time I put the glasses on the “wrong” shelf he would flip out and complain loudly while fixing it. Of course, as soon as he had stomped out of the kitchen I would promptly move the glasses back down, because apparently I’d always liked pissing off Ben. 

I stretched, going up on my tippy toes, trying to reach the glasses. Before I could grab one, a much bigger and very familiar hand got there first. I froze, Ben’s body was pressed against my back, his arm above my head, as he reached for the glass. I felt like I was trapped in a cage made of his body. My stomach swirled with a mixture of pleasure and panic. His breath brushed against my temple; his body heat seeped into my skin. .

I swear, I could feel every move of his muscles as he slowly got us each a glass. The way his hips shifted, pushing me against the counter as he set the glasses down in front of me. It was like I was dangling on a ledge, while also being slowly squeezed to death. My skin felt too tight for my body. It was hard to breath, and yet it also felt good.

Really fucking good.

He picked up the water pitcher and slowly filled the glasses. I could feel his dick poking my lower back. He was taking forever just to fuck with me.

“Get off.” I elbowed him hard in the rib, and pushed my body away from the counter, slipping free to stand on the opposite side of the kitchen.’

“You’re welcome.” Ben just chuckled, set down the pitcher, and shook his head.

He was such a dick. Calmly sipping water, like he hadn’t nearly dry humped me against the kitchen counter. A few drops fell onto his bare chest, and slid down his stomach. I swear he did it on purpose. 

He was only wearing a pair of loose fitting black jeans. One side had slipped off his hip, showing the shadowy indent I had seen a million times on that damn video. I swallowed hard. It felt like trying to choke down a rock. 

I reached out to grab my water glass, and quickly retreated back to the opposite side of the kitchen. Ben’s eyes followed every movement, but his posture remain casual. Like he didn’t give a shit what I was doing. Typical. I sipped my water, continuing to watch him pretend to not care, and steadily got angrier with each passing second. 

How fucking dare he? I just wanted a glass of water. But he couldn’t even let me have that. He had to come down here and make a big show of “not liking me” because he was too fucked up to admit it. I was tired of it. 

He stood up, setting down his glass, and turned to leave. I slammed my glass down on the counter, covered the space between us in a few steps and slammed into his chest sending him into the door of the fridge. He let out a startled grunt, and stared down at me, his eyes wide. I caught him off guard. 

Most people don’t expect me to be as strong and fast as I am. I liked how flustered he looked, like that he was off balance. He quickly tried to rein it in, sighed heavily and shoved at me weakly. We both knew he could overpower me without even trying, which pissed me off even more. Like he was still toying with me. 

“I am not in the mood, Rey.” He actually rolled his eyes at me, like I was some little kid desperate for his attention. 

That was the last straw. “Bullshit.”

I reached down, sliding my hand into his pants, and grabbed a fistful of his dick. Of course Ben wasn't wearing any underwear. Fuck. His dick was already half hard. It twitched against my palm. 

“What the--” Ben sputtered, but it was too late. 

I was already going down on my knees. My other hand yanked down the waistband. I was tired of his bullshit, tired of the games. If he was too chicken shit to admit how he felt, I was going to make him. 

It wasn't just about him. I had to see his dick, to know for sure that he was the guy from the video. His jeans slid the last inch and I was able to pull out his dick. There he was. Big and red, just like in the video. 

Ben made a strangled sound, reminding me that he was attached to the dick in my hand. I looked up at him, his face partially covered by his messy hair. It was hard to make out his expression, but his breathing was fast and loud. I liked it almost as much as his dick.

Now, while I wasn’t a virgin, I wasn’t that experienced either, and I wasn’t big on blowjobs. It just seemed like a lot of hard work for nothing. In that moment, with Ben panting, while his dick twitched in my hand, the idea of putting him my mouth made me clench. 

I licked my lips and went right to sucking on the head of his dick. The musky scent of his skin filled my nose and his strangled moan filled my ears. My stomach tightened, making me shiver in such a good way. It was incredible; blowjobs never felt like this before. I felt sexy, and I was so turned on. 

Ben swore, as a glass fell over and shattered on the floor beside me. I didn’t even care. I was too busy trying to fit the rest of his dick into my mouth. It slid in a little too fast and hit the back of my throat. I gagged, hard. Tears sprung to my eyes, and I felt like a failure. Before I knew it Ben’s hands were on the sides of my head pulling me off his dick and lifting me to my feet. 

I was close enough to see him now, though he was a little blurry from all the tears in my eyes. “We can’t do this.” Ben sounded so serious, so unlike the sarcastic tone he normally used. I blinked away the tears to focus on his face. It was strange. He looked sad, like he felt bad for me. I wanted to slap the look off his face. 

“I want it.” I smiled wide, and dug my nails into his bare chest.

He didn’t flinch, but his face changed. His eyes turned cold, and I prepared myself for him to turn mean. The strange silent moment seemed to drag on forever. He closed his eyes and let out a heavy sigh, his shoulders lowering. I was sure he was done, so I tried to step back, but he stopped me with two words. “All right.” 

I was off my feet, in his arms. He was carrying me like I was some damsel in a romance novel. I had never been carried like that, not even as a child. I clung to Ben’s neck, pressed my face into his skin, and tried to breath. 

_ “This is happening. It is really happening,”  _ I thought, a mixture of wonder and dread making my head swim. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I'm an asshole who just left you hanging. I promise to post the next chapter tomorrow. Just hang in there. The sexy is coming. 
> 
> Thanks for reading. 
> 
> PS Editing is going really well so updates should start coming in on a daily basis.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This is happening. It is really happening."

We were up the stairs and in his room in minutes. Ben kicked the door closed behind us, and set me down on the bed. It was dim, the only light coming from his laptop on the other side of the room. He stood at the edge of the bed looking down at me, a strange expression on his face. 

It was almost like he was nervous, but I wasn’t sure. I’d only ever seen cocky asshole Ben or angry brat Ben. I wasn't seeing anything resembling either one of them in that moment. His mouth was pulled tight, in a tense line. He looked at me like he wasn't sure he liked what he saw.  

That made me mad. I hated how he made me feel like I was weird or wrong. People had made me feel like that for most of my life. Like I was trash. I wasn’t about to take this shit from Ben. 

“Chicken?” I sat up on the bed, and glared at him.

“What?” He sounded so serious, his eyebrows smashed together and dipped down, making him look even more disgusted.

“Should I go?” It came out a little harsher than I intended, but I was pissed. 

His face transformed in an instant, he actually looked shocked. “No. Stay.”

An overwhelming sense of relief swept through me, leaving me a little lightheaded. I whipped off my t-shirt, and threw it at his head. It landed perfectly, covering his face. He looked ridiculous. I laughed and got hit in the face with my own balled up t-shirt for my trouble. 

“Brat,” Ben groaned.

He was smiling when I pulled the shirt of my head. That made my stomach do a odd little flip flop. I’d never seen Ben smile. It was kind of goofy. All teeth and dimples, like a little kid. He almost looked cute. I have no clue why it turned me on, but holy shit did it ever.

He unbuttoned his jeans and dropped them on the floor. I didn’t know what to do. He crawled onto the bed beside me and I tried to act casual, like I knew what I was doing. Which I technically did, but it didn’t feel like it in that moment. He was right there, his face inches from mine. I was suddenly very aware of the fact that I hadn’t brushed my teeth before bed. He touched my face, his fingertips lightly brushing my skin. 

For a second, I was sure he was going to kiss me. The thought made me tense, and hold my breath. I didn’t even know why. It’s not like I hadn’t kissed a guy before, but this was different. This was Ben. I felt so small, and he was so huge, in a bunch of ways. It was like I was falling or drowning at the same time. 

“Breathe,” Ben whispered, his breath warmed my lips.

I swallowed hard, and closed my eyes, trying desperately to breathe. I kept silently telling myself that this was just sex, but I knew that was a lie. There was a lot more to this, I could feel it like an elephant on my chest. I pushed the thought away, I wasn’t ready to deal with it. It would only make it worse.

The feel of Ben kissing my neck shocked me out of whatever mini freak out I was having. I let out a slow stream of air that sounded a lot like a moan. All I could focus on was the feel of his tongue on my skin. Each stroke sent tiny shocks shooting through my body, leaving me shivering and wet. 

Ben traced my collarbone with his fingers, and slid his hand to the center of my chest. I gasped, as he pushed me onto my back. He shifted, arching over me while he continued to lick a trail across my throat to cover my chest with small kisses. His hair teased along my skin in the wake of his mouth. By the time he reached the space between my breasts, I was biting my lip to keep from moaning. 

He cupped one of my breasts in his hand and covered my nipple with his mouth. I bit the inside of my cheek, but groaned anyway. It was so loud I could have sworn it left my ears ringing. His tongue coiled and twirled over my nipple, sending pleasure in waves right to my pelvis. I was sure I was going to come just from his mouth on my tits.

He pulled away, and I swear I felt my breast ache in response. My eyes flew open just in time to see him looking right at me as he blew cool air over my overstimulated skin. I arched off the bed, and nearly bit a hole in my bottom lip. 

Before I could recover, Ben latched onto my other breast. He was driving me crazy, and he was enjoying it. It made me mad and turned me on at the same time. Which only made what he was doing to my nipple that much more amazing. 

He hands wrapped around my sides. His fingers dug into my back and ribs like he was afraid I would slip free. I liked the way it felt, to be wanted.

His mouth moved lower, tongue tracing a wet line that ended in my belly button. I yelped. It felt weird, ticklish, and kind of sexy too. He shifted his hands to my breast, his fingers plucking and pinching my nipples, teasing me until I groaned in frustration. 

I finally said his name. I hated how whiny it sounded coming out of my mouth. He rose up and looked at me, a smile on his face. It wasn't the sweet goofy one, this was all cocky asshole. Fuck me, if it wasn’t hot. 

He slide his hand across my stomach and under the waistband of my panties. “Open your legs wider.” 

His fingers grazed my clit. I nearly came right then and there. I spread my legs, allowing his big hand to fit between them. His thumb pressed against my clit, and fingers brushed at my ass.  _ I fit into the palm of his hand. _ The thought made me clench. 

Ben groaned, mumbling something about how wet I was. He sounded almost surprised. I moaned because I could feel it too; I was making his hand wet. He circled my clit with his thumb and my hips tilted up like they had a mind of their own. I wanted more, ached for it. 

He began to move his whole hand against me, and I gleefully rubbed myself on him in response. I was so close, I just need a little more friction. Without even thinking I reached down to try to get my fingers involved and Ben pushed my hand away. 

“Fucker!” I intended to smack his arm in retaliation, but missed and slapped him hard across the face.

He stopped, but still held me in his hand, as he glared at me from beneath a curtain of his hair. There was something kind of scary about the look on his face. It was exactly the way he looked right before he punched something. He looked dangerous, and as fucked up as it sounds something about it turned me on. 

I stared right back at him as I shoved my hand into my panties, pushed his hand out of the way, and began to tease myself. It was so hot, touching myself while he watched me, looking angry and a little confused. I was so wet, and my body ached for the orgasm. I could feel it coming, like a tickling at the base of my spine. 

Ben moved fast. His hands grabbed the sides of my panties and yanked them down my legs, which totally threw off my rhythm. I was about to yell at him, but he was already pushing my hand out of way, and replacing it with his mouth. 

His. entire. mouth.

I’d never felt anything like it. His breath consumed me. Hot air all over my sensitive skin. He grabbed my hips with his hands and pulled me hard against his face, as he began to slowly slide his tongue inside me. 

The last straw was the sight of his face between my legs, eyes burning with that same angry, dangerous look while he fucked me with his tongue. I came so hard I let out a hoarse cry. My hips jerked, as I clawed at the comforter. Even as I shook under him, Ben didn’t stop. He kept thrusting his tongue inside me, moving his face a little lower and began to rub my clit with his nose. I exploded again. It was even stronger, arching my back and making me yell a little louder. I could feel tears slip from the corners of my eyes, as my body shuddered from the aftershocks of pleasure. 

I was still trying to catch my breath, when Ben sat up and moved between my legs. I was so spent from my orgasm all I could to do was watch. He held his dick in his fist. It seemed even bigger now. Everything seemed bigger, more real somehow.

He didn’t say anything, didn’t even look up as he positioned himself. I closed my eyes, and forgot how to breathe for the long stretch of time it took for him to push inside me. Everything fell away. I was just this small hungry part of my body. My world was the stretching, stinging pleasure of him being inside me. 

“Rey.” He said my name in a quiet, almost reverent whisper. 

I opened my eyes to see Ben’s face hovering above me. My body clenched around him, making us both moan at the sensation. All I could think was,  _ this is real. _ He closed his eyes, and began to move his hips. It was all I could do to hold on to him, riding out the sensation of him frantically fucking me. 

Ben was everywhere, above me, inside me. His arms rested on either side of my head, and I was overwhelmed by it all. I clung to his hips with my legs, and gripped his shoulders with my hands. He leaned his head down, rubbed his lips against my temple, and muttered things I couldn’t make out against my cheek. Something about it scared me more than that dangerous look he had earlier. It felt heavy, too real. I needed out. 

“Over,” I pushed on his shoulder. 

He sat up, stopping, a dazed look on his face. “What?”

“Roll over.” I shoved at him a little harder, and he finally got it. 

The world flipped upside down, and suddenly I was on top of Ben. I shifted, and his dick slid deeper. Pleasure blazed through me, like an electric shock. I fell forward a little, and put my hands on his chest to catch myself. 

“Hey.” The concern in Ben’s voice shook me out of my daze. I focused on his face. “You okay?”

He looked different, worried and a little sad again. I didn’t like it, so I dug my nails into his chest and ground myself down on his dick. “Shut up.”

Ben’s mouth dropped open and his eyes rolled back. I began to move in earnest, fucking myself on his dick. I watched him writhe beneath me. His jaw was clenched, the veins in his neck pulsed. If we weren’t fucking I would think he was in pain. That made it better for me, turned me on. He was making those soft, desperate sounds. I knew that meant he was close, thanks to that video. 

I leaned over, shifting my hips to deepen my thrust, and whispered, “You want it.”

His eyes flew open, and I knew I had him. He licked his lips, and gasped for air. It was obvious he realized I’d seen the video. 

“Say it.” I punctuated each word with a thrust of my hips. 

He groaned in defeat, and arched up against me. “I want it.”

I wasn’t done. “Say you want me.”

Ben stilled beneath me, his expression very serious. I stopped, worried I went too far. He reached up, grabbing the back of my head, and pulled me down into a kiss. It wasn’t what I expected. No tongue. No desperation. Just a soft, gentle pressing of our lips. 

“I’ve wanted you since that first day, Rey.” He said it with such sincerity, it made my chest ache. 

“Fuck me.” It came out of my mouth in a rush.

Ben took it as a command, grabbing my hips and fucking up into me. It was all I needed to come again. I shuddered and shook, holding onto him as he continued to thrust into me. He cried out, and pulled me down onto him. The pain and pleasure mixed, crashing over me until I had nothing left. I collapsed on his chest in a trembling breathless heap. 

I lay there, the sound of Ben’s heart echoing in my ear. There wasn’t any thought or feeling. Just Ben’s heartbeat, and my own, desperately trying to keep up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to release this chapter a little early.
> 
> You're welcome. *waves from her dumpster*


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for Plan B.

All I could do was lie there on top of Ben, breathing. His chest was damp, making our skin slippery as we started to cool down. It felt gross. I tried to shift away from the feeling, and clumsily slid off him. His soft dick slip out of me, leaving a wet trail down my inner thigh. I cringed at the sensation. 

“Fuck.” Ben shifted, turning to look at me, and then down at our bodies.

The panicked look on his face confused me. He wiped his hand over his face, and combed his hair back with his fingers. His eyes closed as he said, “Please tell me you’re on the pill.”

It was my turn to swear, but all I could manage was a whisper. “No.”

Ben fell back against the bed, like I’d punched him in the gut. I pressed my face into the comforter. Everything came crashing down on me. We had sex. I had sex with my foster brother. What if Ms. Organa found out? Hell, what if Mr. Solo found out? He was a cop. I was seventeen and Ben was twenty-six. If I got pregnant…

The thought made my throat close. I was just getting my shit together. Now, I had just wrecked it all over again. I felt like such a fuck up.

“Get up.” Ben moved off the bed, and headed into his bathroom. 

I sat up. My shirt was hanging off the the bed. I pulled it on, scanned the rest of the room for my panties, and quickly spotted them. They were sitting on his laptop. I rushed over to grab them, and accidently hit the keyboard. The screensaver disappeared to reveal his desktop. The wallpaper was starless night sky over a snowy landscape. A fat moon hung in the center, and a few lines of white text sat just below it. I leaned in close to read the words.

_ You can close your eyes to the things you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to the things you don’t want to feel. _

Ben emerged from the bathroom and handed me a damp washcloth. “Go clean up.”

He tilted his head toward the open door. I took the washcloth and retreated into the bathroom. Door closed, I took a deep breath and tried to collect myself. My heart was beating so fast I felt a little nauseous. I wiped myself with the washcloth and put it in the hamper beside the sink. My panties were ripped a little, a piece of elastic string dangling from the side seam. I tried to rip it off, but only unravelled more of it. Tears filled my eyes. I tried to calm down, taking big gulps of air. It wasn’t helping. I slid down the door to lie on the cool tile floor. It felt like I was being crushed. 

“Rey.” Ben’s voice was muffled by the door, but I heard him and it shook me out of my freak out.

“I’m fine,” I replied in as steady a voice as I could manage. 

I carefully climbed into my torn panties and wiped my eyes. One last deep breath and I was ready to face him. Or so I thought. I pulled open the bathroom door and found Ben standing there. He filled the doorway, making me wonder if he had to duck to not hit his head. 

“Come on.” He grabbed my arm and pulled me along. 

We walked into the hallway, and he gently pushed me toward my room. “Go put on some pants and shoes. Make sure to grab your ID.”

I froze, “Why?”

“We have to get you the morning after pill. “ He didn’t look at me. I watched him walk down the stairs, leaving me in the hallway alone. It felt like he took some part of me with him, I felt hollow and cold.

~~~

Five minutes later we were in Ben’s car, headed to the twenty-four hour pharmacy. The rumble of the engine filled the space between us. It gave me a headache. I hated his car.

On the outside it looked like a slick black sports car, but it was just as fake as his ridiculous Kylo Ren helmet. When it went faster than forty miles an hour the whole thing rattled and shook, like it was about to fall apart. It was a piece of shit. I had to step down to get into it, like climbing into a hole in the ground. 

I watched Ben as he drove, the street lights casting different colors over his pale skin. He stared straight ahead and didn’t say a word to me the entire ride. It felt like nothing had changed. Same old Ben, hating and ignoring me. I felt alone, like I was trapped behind glass. That even if I screamed he wouldn’t hear me. He would just keep staring ahead, even as his car shook apart around us.

When we arrived at the pharmacy, Ben got out and didn’t even wait for me. I rushed after him, almost closing my jacket in the car door. His damn long legs carried him across the parking lot at lightspeed, while I scuttled after him like a little puppy. 

The interior of the pharmacy was too bright. It hurt my eyes. Everything was so whitewashed and sterile, it made my skin itch. Ben walked past the aisles with purpose, like he’d done this before. I wondered how many girls he had brought here. How often did he fuck other girls, without using a condom? 

He walked up to the little counter. A tired older lady greeted him without a smile. I walked up to stand next to him and got a side eye from her. Ben asked for the pill and she asked for both our IDs. After she took forever examining them, she stepped away from the counter. Ben sighed and looked around at everywhere except me. 

“Wait here.” He walked away and I felt like a lost kid at the zoo.

A few minutes later the pharmacist reappeared with a pink box in her hand. She began to punch the keys on the register, and I looked around to try to see where Ben had gone. It’s not like it was easy to lose him. He was usually the tallest fucking thing in any room, especially in the pharmacy, but there was no sign of him. The thought occurred to me that he had left me. That this was some kind of sick joke and I would have to walk back to the house alone. 

“Thirty two dollars,” the pharmacist said, as she glared at me over the top of her glasses.

I was broke. Didn’t have a single penny to my name. So I just stared back her and said nothing. 

She opened her mouth, like she was going to say something fucked up, but stopped when Ben reappeared. He had an orange box and a bag of what looked like cough drops in his hand. I was pissed, but didn’t say anything.

She rang up the rest of the stuff and Ben paid. I felt invisible. It was humiliating, and it quickly got worse.

“You should take better care of your girlfriend.” The pharmacist looked smug as she held out the receipt to Ben.

“You should mind your own fucking business.” Ben snatched the bag, grabbed my arm, and dragged me out of the store.

After another awkwardly silent car ride we were back at the house, and standing in the kitchen. Ben cleaned up the broken glass on the floor, while I took the pill. I drank the water slowly, trying to not think about how I had his dick in my mouth earlier that night. 

“Take these.” Ben put two orange pills in my hand, and showed me the bag of ginger candies. “If those don’t ease the nausea, try sucking on one of these.” 

He had done this before. I tried to not think about all the girls who had almost had Ben’s baby while I took the pills. He cleaned up all the medicine, hiding the evidence in the pharmacy bag, and lead me upstairs to my room. 

It was strange to have him inside my room. Not that there was much in it making it my room. I hadn’t decorated the walls yet. There were just a few pieces of furniture, stuff on the floor, and light tannish yellow walls. Ben seemed out of place, a looming figure in black in all the bright light. 

“Get in bed,” he ordered, placing the bag on my side table. 

“Yes, sir,” I snapped back as I kicked off my shoes, and threw my jacket on the floor.

My anger overrode my fear for a second. I was irritated. I hated being ordered around like a child. Ben sighed heavily, and folded his arms over his chest. 

He stared at me while I shucked off my jeans and shoved past him to get in bed. It felt weirdly satisfying to finally have his attention on me again. I ignored him, closing my eyes, as if I could just fall asleep like that. 

I felt the bed dip from his weight, as he sat beside me. He touched my head, and I suddenly felt guilty. Like I was the one being a dick. Which I was, but he started it. Tears slipped out of my eyes, while he gently combed his fingers through my hair. 

“Tell me what you need,” his voice was so strange, almost choked up a little. 

I didn’t want to look at him. I was already crying like a baby. I shook my head, and pressed my face into my pillow. He shifted again, and I felt his lips press against my temple. 

“Get some rest.”

The bed shifted as he stood, and my chest tightened. “Don’t go.”

My voice was so small, I was sure he didn’t hear, but he did. He was touching me, urging me to turn my head. I did, and looked at him. He was kneeling beside the bed, so he could look right at me. 

Ben’s eyes were red-rimmed like he’d been crying, but his face was dry. He had the same sad look that made me feel like we’d done something so terrible. Which we did, especially if I got pregnant. The thought rushed through me, leaving me trembling. 

“I’m so sorry, Rey.” He leaned in, pressing his forehead against mine. “I shouldn’t have let this happened.” 

“I’m not a kid, Ben,” I insisted, shaking my head. 

He leaned back, looked at me for a long minute and nodded. “That’s for sure.”

A small smile curving the corner of his mouth. Something fluttered through my belly, but died somewhere near my chest. I tried to smile, but it only pushed my tears out of my eyes. He kissed my forehead, and stood up. I was sure he was going to leave, but he walked around the bed and laid down behind me. 

He wrapped himself around me, his arm reaching around my waist to hold me. I continued to cry, though it was more out of relief. It was what I wanted, needed. To not feel alone. 

I fell asleep like that. The feel of Ben’s body against my back. The sound of his steady breathing in my ear. The aching in my chest slowly eased up just enough that I could finally rest. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the summary is a birth control joke and Ben's car is Kylo Ren's lightsaber. I'm about as deep as a mud puddle.  
> *throws trash confetti and runs away*
> 
> Note: the quote on Ben's desktop wallpaper is from Johnny Depp.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Family time and awkward dick touching.

I woke up alone, shivering and cramping, but thankfully only a little queasy. My phone was on my side table, next to the paper bag Ben had left for me. I grabbed a ginger candy, shoved it in my mouth, and checked the time on my phone. It was ten in the morning.

My stomach rumbled. I couldn’t believe I was hungry, but I took it as a good sign and got up. Wrapping myself in my robe, I shuffled down stairs.

Ben was standing in the kitchen, sipping a cup of coffee like it was any other morning. He looked up at me, and turned to the cabinet. I walked over to lean against the counter, watching Ben take a coffee cup from the top shelf. He filled it from the pot, and gently pushed it into my hands. I blew on the black liquid, eyes on him the whole time.

He tilted his head, looking right back at me, and moved closer. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I just stood there as Ben moved to stand right next to me. My shoulder was touching his chest, I could feel his body heat seeping into me at that single point of contact. I had no idea why he was standing so close to me. There was nothing sexy about it, or annoying either. He was just there.

I took a tentative sip of my coffee. Ben put his hand on my back. I could feel the weight like a brand even through the thick fabric of my rode. It was weird, and unsettling. I had never had someone touch me like this, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. I looked at Ben, I must have been making a funny face, because he let out a little breathy chuckle and kissed my cheek.

“Are you hungry? You should eat even if you’re not.” He turned to the toaster, pulling over the loaf of bread, and busied himself.

“Huh?” I was stunned. He kissed my head and now he was making me food. I wondered if I had woken up in an alternate reality, but deep down under my shock I was loving every minute of it.

“Food,” he said it slowly, like the asshole I was used too.

He pushed a plate with toast across the counter. I was about to snark back at him, but he went back to holding me again. He wrapped his arm around my waist, and pulled me into his body. It was awkward at first, half of my body smashed into his chest. He felt like a warm, firm wall.

 _Maybe I could get used this_ , I thought as I picked up a piece, and nibbled at a corner while I leaned into Ben. He kissed the top of my head, his fingers lightly brushing my arm. It was nice, peaceful. Like being in a comfy bed, only standing up, and with food.

The moment was ruined when the front door opened. We both moved. Ben shot across the kitchen to stand beside the refrigerator, while I was left to stand alone on the other side of the kitchen with my toast and my coffee.

“Morning kids,” Ms. Organa said, rounding the corner to drop a bakery box on the counter along with her purse.

“How’s your kid, mom?” Ben looked at his phone as he ask, suddenly the old Ben slid into to place.

“Oh, he is doing as best as anyone could under the circumstances.” She looked at both of us, something strange in her eyes. “I’m just so glad to see you two. Come here.”

I walked over, and she pulled me into a tight hug. “I know it’s silly, but seeing him in so much pain made me want to come home to make sure my kids were okay.”

Her eyes glistened behind the lenses of her glasses. I felt something twist my stomach, I wasn’t sure if it was the cramps from the pill or guilt. She sniffed, and looked at Ben.

“Get over here, Benjamin, and humor your menopausal mother.” She waved her free hand, as she held me tightly in her other arm.

“I didn’t sign up for group hugs,” Ben muttered and stomped over to us.

Ms. Organa was surprisingly strong, she even made Ben groan as she smashed us all together in her arms. It happened to so fast, I couldn’t really adjust myself, and my hand ended up pinned right against Ben’s dick. Ms. Organa told us how happy she was to have us with her and how much she loved both of us. All I wanted was to be free and not hear her voice while Ben’s dick was pushing into my palm.

“Mom, you’re going to crack my spine,” Ben protested.

Ms. Organa chuckled and let us go. I went back to my toast and coffee, grateful to be free. She wiped at her eyes, and pushed her glasses up her nose. I watched as Ben plucked them off her face, and carefully cleaned them on the bottom of his t-shirt. He gave them back, and leaned down to place a kiss on the top of her head. I’d never seen him act like that with his mother before. Then again, I’d never seen much of Ben before we started fooling around. He’d always avoided me. The few times I was around for his interactions with his mom, he was usually being an asshole or they were arguing in the next room.

“Rey, honey, are you okay?” Ms. Organa had a concerned expression on her face.

I must have looked like shit. Panic froze me in place. I had no clue what to say or do.

“Yeah, she got food poisoning. Kept us both up most the night, puking her guts out.” Ben lied so quickly, and convincingly, it shocked me.

“I’m sure you suffered a lot.” Ms. Organa playfully slapped Ben’s arm, then came over to place her hand on the my forehead. “It’s good that you’re getting some food in you. That coffee isn’t the best idea. You need some electrolytes. I’ll head to the store--”

“Mom,” Ben interrupted, stepping up to stand next to me. “You need to rest. I’ll go get Rey whatever she needs. I’ve been babysitting her all night anyway.”

I wanted to elbow him in the gut, but I had to play along. “I’ll be fine, Ms. Organa. You go get some sleep.”

“All right, but you should lay down too. Take it easy on yourself today.” She kissed my forehead, and told Ben to be nice to me, before leaving the kitchen.

We stood in silence, listening to her footsteps retreat upstairs. Once her door closed, I punched Ben in the stomach, not too hard, but enough to get my point across. He laughed, and stumbled back a little, I suspected more for show.

Everything was weird. He was acting so strange. I mean, we’d just been our usual selves with his mom, but it was fake. The minute his mom left the room he was laughing and smiling at me again.

It was bizarre to see through Ben’s act in real time. He was covering for me with his mom, and I appreciated it, but he was so good at playing the asshole. Almost too good at it. I wandered if it all was an act. What if the nice, smiling Ben was really him?

“How are you feeling?” He came over to wrap his arms around me again.

I shrugged. “Like shit, but not as bad as I expected to feel.”

“Good.” He rested his chin on the top of my head, enveloping me in his chest.

It felt weirdly comfortable. I was surrounded by him; his body heat warmed me. Ben felt really comfortable.

“You really should get some rest.” He stepped back, catching a lock of my hair in his fingers, and twisting it around his finger. “I’ll check on you in a bit, okay?”

I nodded, not trusting my voice. He was being so sweet. It made me feel good, but also a little nervous. I didn’t know what it meant. Was this the new us or was it just temporary?

He slid his hand under my chin, and tilted my head up. His lips pressed against mine, in that same soft press as our first kiss. He even hummed a little, like he enjoyed it, before pulling away.

I watched him grab his phone and keys. He did a silly little move, tossing his keys up in the air, and caught them with his hand behind his back. It was goofy and not remotely cool, but I really liked it, especially the way he smiled at me before walking out of the kitchen.

~~~

Later that night, Ben made dinner. It was just mac and cheese, but he made a big deal about doing everything himself. Ms. Organa and I sat at the table, giggling while Ben ran around the kitchen in an apron that said “Kiss the Cook” in red letters on the front. Even Ms. Organa said something about Ben’s “new positive” attitude.

“It’s so nice to see you smile, Honey.”

Ben rolled his eyes, and told her to stop being weird, but he was smiling the whole time. I was even smiling, I couldn’t help myself. It all felt so good, right even. _This was what family is supposed to be,_ I thought. It’s how I always imagined it would be. Smiling and laughing around a dining room table with actual food on it.

When Ben had finally brought out the food, and sat down next to me. As I scooped the mac and cheese on my plate, I felt his hand slid over my leg. I looked up at Ms. Organa, but she was busy putting green beans on her own plate. When I glanced at Ben, he was busy eating his food, not looking at me.

We sat through dinner like that, his hand holding onto my thigh. His fingers slowly teased my legs wider apart, while I tried to pay attention to the conversation he was having with his mother. It was pointless. I could barely feed myself, much less talk. Every time I got used to where his hand was, he would move it a little, or shift his fingers. When they brushed against my panties, I nearly jumped out of my seat.

As it was, I hit my knee on the underside of the table, startling everyone. I told them my stomach was cramping a little. Ms. Organa made a big deal about how I shouldn’t have rushed into eating solid food. I played it up, and politely excused myself.

I lay in bed, playing games on my phone, trying to not obsess about what was going on with Ben and I, what it all meant. Eventually there was a soft knock on my door, I told him to come in. I knew it was Ben. He looked a little sheepish, that goofy grin on his face as he closed the door quietly behind him.

I moved over so he could sit beside me on the bed, “Are you really not feeling good?”

I shook my head, “I’m still a little crampy, but mostly I wasn’t down with finger fucking in front of your mother.”

Ben cringed, and covered his face with his hands. “Sorry,” he said through his fingers. I wasn’t really buying it, I could tell he was still smiling.

I decided a little revenge was in order. So I slid my hand over his jeans, and griped his dick through the fabric. His hand immediately grabbed my wrist. His eyes were wide, and fixed on me.

“Let go.” I surprised myself, I sounded so forceful.

He released my wrist, his eyes never leaving me. I stared right back, as I moved my hand over him, rubbing him through his jeans. He was getting hard fast. A flush of pink crept up his neck and spread across his cheeks, even tinting his ears. His eyes were closed, and he tilted his head back. I liked how he just let me take over.

I wasn’t really interested in sex, or at least not any dick and vagina action. But I liked this, liked making Ben shift and groan. He began to thrust his hips, moving with my strokes, pushing his dick up into my palm. That is when I stopped.

“Hey,” he opened his eyes, and gave me a confused look.

“That’s what you get.” I laid down, turning my back to him.

He swore, and got up from the bed. I listened to him stomp out of my room, and slam the door behind him. Ms. Organa yelled something, I didn’t hear it. I only heard his bedroom door slam, and I smiled into my pillow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad Ben! No blowjob. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> *returns to dumpster to write*


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben gives a whole new meaning to "magic fingers."

We hadn’t had sex since that first night. I wasn’t really sure why and Ben wasn’t saying anything, as usual. I wasn’t about to remind him what happened the last time we had sex. 

It was awkward enough asking Ms. Organa to drive me to Planned Parenthood so I could get on the pill. I knew that, Ben knew we went to the clinic. He was home when we returned., He saw the pharmacy bag in my hand. It’s not like I was hiding. I kept the pills in the hallway bathroom. Anyone looking for toothpaste would see them. 

There was no reason we couldn’t have sex. Still, it had been over a week, and all Ben would do was touch and tease me. Though, one touch from Ben was almost as good as sex. The way he made a game of it added to the thrill and turn on too. 

I would be minding my own business, walking through the living room, and suddenly Ben would be there. He acted so casual, even as he captured my nipple through the fabric of my t-shirt and bra. Just a little tweaking pinch, and I was wet and breathing funny. He would smirk down at me, knowing full well just how worked up I was. That smile made me ache. Sometimes, just seeing that look on his face made me want to drop to my knees to suck his dick, but I never got the chance. 

His mother would invariably walk into the room. Ben and I would immediately separate and walk away in opposite directions, like nothing had happened. I would have to act casual while my sore nipple throbbed for the next hour. 

I always got my revenge, you better believe it. Ben had a thing for my bare skin. I hadn’t really noticed until he started touching me. It didn’t matter what was going on or where we were, if I had an exposed patch of skin, Ben found it. His fingers would lightly run across my collar bone, or brush along my thigh. It felt like his hands were made of fire. I could still feel the imprint for hours after his hand left my skin.

I began to wear lower cut shirts and shorts. Ben’s reaction to me wearing a pair of shorts I’d cut to hit me mid-thigh, and a tank top, was hilarious. He practically manhandled me that day. I loved it. Every touch, caress, and pinch got me more amped up. By the time I went to bed I was so turned on, it only took a few minutes of teasing myself to come so hard I saw stars. 

Despite all our fun, the fact that we hadn’t had sex still nagged at me. I knew we really couldn’t with his mom around, but she wasn’t around all the time. Ben had even snuck into my room a couple of times to make out. Which seemed a little backward to me, but I wasn’t going to complain. Lying on top of Ben, rubbing myself against the hard line of his dick while he kissed me breathless, was enough to get me off several times. 

Maybe part of what bothered me was Ben was busy, and not hanging around the house as much as he used to. I overheard him telling his mom that his band was getting some interest from managers. They had been playing more gigs and needed to practice.

He was often gone before I even got up in the morning, and didn’t get home until late. I never knew when he was going to appear. Which meant I was always walking around half naked in the hopes of seeing him, like a pathetic dipshit. I never imagined I would ever wear a skirt, much less one so short even Ms. Organa raised an eyebrow at me. 

“Careful there,” She playfully swatted at the hem as I walked by on my way to the kitchen. 

I cringed a little, felt heat fill my cheeks. “Too short?” 

Ms. Organa just laughed. “Sweetheart, you look like a nun compared to how I dressed when I was your age.” 

That surprised me. I hopped up on the counter, and crossed my arms over my chest. It was difficult to imagine the very pretty, but rather conservatively dressed older lady in front of me dressing sexy. She was wearing loose jeans, and a bulky sweater. 

“Don’t give me that look, kid.” Ms. Organa chuckled and threw a bag of popcorn in the microwave. “I could tell you stories that would put hair on your chest.”

“Please don’t.” Ben appeared in the kitchen, holding his stomach melodramatically. “I just ate.”

“Look who’s gracing us with his presence.” Despite the sarcasm in her tone, she walked over to give Ben a hug. 

I couldn’t help but notice his eyes were on my legs. It gave me a rush. The hungry way he looked at me, even when he was hugging his damn mother. It was so bad, but I still enjoyed it. 

“Rey and I were just about to watch a movie--” The microwave dinged, distracting her for a few minutes. 

Ben immediately slid over to lean against the counter, right next to me. His fingers traced a line along my thigh, brushing the hem of my skirt. Then, just as quick, his hand was gone, and his mother was holding out a bowl of popcorn. I hopped off the counter, an invisible line burned into my thigh as I took the bowl and walked into the living room. 

I could feel Ben following me the entire way, like a human wall at my back. He was so huge and always walked way too close to me. I was sure at some point his mother was going to notice. 

“I don’t know if you’re going to like this one, Ben.” Ms. Oranga took her usual seat in the recliner, which was closer to the tv so she could see the screen better. “It’s a romantic comedy.”

“I'm sure I'll survive, Mother. You've subjected me to far worse,” Ben replied, while Ms. Organa just shook her head and laughed. 

I sat down on the far end of the couch. Ben sat on the opposite end. I set the popcorn on the coffee table and tried to get comfortable. He didn’t say a thing or touch me. It didn’t matter. I could feel him. It made me hyper aware of everything I did and every inch of my bare legs. 

The movie started, but I couldn’t focus on it. I was too busy trying to find a comfortable position. Finally, I put my legs on the couch, being sure that my feet didn’t touch Ben, and covered myself with an afghan. I took a deep breath and tried to relax. 

Ben left me alone for all of five minutes. He started slow. Just slid one warm hand under the afghan to run over my foot, and brushed my ankle with his long fingers. It felt amazing, of course. 

I looked at Ms. Organa. She was already relaxed into her chair, her back to us. She usually didn’t last very long, falling asleep ten minutes into any movie watched. Ben seemed to be counting on it.

He moved closer, mumbling something about sharing the blanket. I tried to act casual as he lifted my feet upon his lap and covered us with the afghan again. His hands made their way up my calf. It was almost too much. Not quite ticklish, but my skin was so sensitive. I could feel every touch like there was a direct line between his fingers and my clit. 

The slow torture dragged on through the movie. I struggled to keep my breathing steady, while he continued to make his way up my legs, an inch at a time. He drew little circles on my inner thigh, encourage me to open them for him. I shifted under the blanket, making sure we were still covered.

When his fingertips brushed along the edge of my panties I nearly forgot how to breathe. I glanced up at Ben. He wasn’t even bothering to fake interest in the movie. He was watching me, an unreadable expression on his face. I continued to stare at him as his fingers worked their way under my panties. Ben closed his eyes, and licked his lips. He could feel how wet I was, I loved how it affected him. 

He opened his eyes, and looked right at me as he slid his fingers into me. I did my best to keep my eyes open, though it felt  _ so  _ amazing. My toes curled, while I gripped the edge of the blanket in a white knuckled fists. That’s how we stayed, while he slowly, deeply finger fucked me on the couch, his mother snoring in her chair just a few feet away.

I’d never experienced anything like what he was doing. He twisted his fingers inside me as he went in and out. With each stroke I felt the pressure build low in my belly, making my muscles tense. I wanted to move against him, but held still. Watching him.

It seem to get to him. I could see sweat along his hairline, and upper lip. He didn’t wipe it away, just kept staring at me while his fingers drove me closer to coming. I liked the tension of it. How it almost felt like a contest, to see who would look away or close their eyes first. I wasn’t about to lose to Ben.

He seemed to sense I was close, and steadily increased the speed of his movements. I couldn’t believe I was going to come without him even touching my clit once. It was like magic-- deep finger fucking magic. When my orgasm hit, it was so powerful I stuffed the edge of the blanket into my mouth to keep from making a sound. 

I’m sure I looked ridiculous, but Ben didn’t seem to care. He just kept moving his fingers, and even placed his other hand on my stomach, pushing down. Another wave of pleasure slammed through me. My hips rose up off the couch. I was so wet, I was sure I was going to leave a stain on the cushion. 

Ben finally withdrew his hand, I tried to collect myself. No sooner had I pulled the damn blanket out of my mouth did I look over to see Ben licking his fingers. I couldn’t believe how sexy it looked. His eyes were closed as he sucked his fingers into his mouth. 

I quickly glanced over at his mother, who was still sleeping in her chair, and then covered my face with my hands. It was all too weird. Too much to process. I was still so turned on. 

“Come on,” he whispered, pulling me up off the couch. 

We creeped up the stairs. I thought we were heading to my bedroom, but once we got to the top of the stairs Ben spun me around and placed my hands on the railing. I was confused, and didn’t want to get caught, so I just went along. 

Then I felt him tugging my panties off, and turned my head to whisper, “what are you doing?”

Ben was on crouched down, looking up at me with an expression that nearly made me fall over. It was that dangerous look again. He didn’t say a word in response, just tapped my foot, and waited for me to step out of my panties. Which I did, because after seeing his face I wanted him to do whatever he was planning. I didn’t care what it was so long as it would get me off. 

He stood up, and pulled a foil packet from his pocket. I watched as he unbuttoned his jeans, and careful rolled on the condom. He looked so hard. I wondered how long he had been that way. How long he had wanted to do this with me. The thought made me clench and get a little breathless. 

Ben grabbed my hips, and shifted me into position. I bowed my head, and closed my eyes, relishing the sensation of him pushing into me. Despite how wet I was, and ready, it pinched a little. As soon as I tensed, Ben stopped and pulled back out. 

“Are you okay?” he asked, brushing my hair out of my face so he could see me. 

I just hissed back at him, “Yes, don’t stop, dammit.” 

He chuckled, placing a soft kiss on my shoulder. Then he was back, sliding into me. It felt so good. I loved the sensation, especially at that angle. It gave me that same deep pressure in my belly as before with his fingers, only more intense. I moved against him, holding my breath and trying to get my orgasm to come faster. 

The sound of slapping skin filled my ears, but I could also hear the movie downstairs. I reassured myself that we weren't that loud, despite Ben’s heavy breathing. I gripped the railing tight, and widened my stance a little. Ben sunk even deeper, surprising both of us. He faltered, and gasped. 

I heard a loud snort from downstairs. Ben put his hand over my mouth, but didn’t stop moving. I was suddenly so close my legs began to tremble. Something about his hand over my mouth, how he pulled on me with each thrust. The way it bent my head back hurt a little, but strangely in a good way. I felt trapped between his hand and his dick, but for some reason it didn’t scare me. It felt safe. 

My orgasm was so strong even Ben felt it. He stifled a groan as he continued to thrust into me. The hand over my mouth muffled my own moans. I could feel my body grip his dick, could feel every inch of him as it left me, and then returned to send another spasm of pleasure through me. By the time Ben had finished I was limp, practically hanging off the railing. 

Ben pulled out and picked me up in his arms. I clung to his neck as he carried me to my bedroom. His pants were still around his ankles, so he had to do this silly shuffle the whole way. I pressed my mouth to his shoulder to cover my giggling. He called me a brat and set me down on my bed. 

I watched him take off the condom and wrap it in tissue before putting his pants back on. He left the room, I assumed to get rid of the condom, because he returned in a few minutes. I was still lying on my bed, like a lump. My body was spent. Ben shoved me under my covers, and kissed the top of my head. 

Before he could stand back up, I grabbed the collar of his shirt, and tugged him back down to kiss me. It was that same sweet, no-tongue kiss. When he pulled away, he licked his lips, like he could taste me.

“Why did you wait so long to do that again?” The question just slipped out. My sex drunk brain had no filters.

“We needed to wait a week to be sure the pill is effective.” He said it so casually, like we had talked about the doctor visit and pills. 

I wanted to ask him what was going on in his head, why he even cared and what this meant. No words would come out. I just stared at him, while he gently pried my hands from his shirt and left my room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting from the chaos of a bathroom remodel, covered in sweat and drywall dust. There will be a small delay with the next chapter (due to said bathroom remodel), but I will post a juicy chapter teaser on my tumblr (devilbetty.tumblr.com) tomorrow night including a NSFW image. Hope that helps with the wait. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> *swandives back into a flaming dumpster*


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get messy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for being patient while life happened all over my face. We should be back on schedule for posting from here on out. Sorry for the delay.

The next few weeks were a blur of sex, silliness, and general confusion. I couldn’t figure Ben out, but I was too busy having mindblowing sex to think a lot about why it was happening. It was a roller coaster. An amazing, terrifying, and wonderful train wreck of sex. 

We had fucked on almost every surface of his mother’s house, even the roof. That one was a bit tricky. Ben nearly lost his balance at one point, I thought he was going to fall to his death. Which would have left me to try to explain to his mother why he was on the roof with no pants. 

Since roof sex was off the table, Ben got creative and took me “hiking.” We barely made it a few feet up an old trail near the house, and Ben had me on my back in a pile of leaves. He had my legs in the air, my pants and underwear around my knees, while he licked me until I was screaming into the sleeve of my sweater. 

It was fun, and weird. I was happy, in a way I had never expected to be. While I still was really unsure about what it all meant and where it was going, I kept pushing the uncertainty out of my head. I wanted to hold on to what we had, because I knew it wouldn’t last. It never does.

Soon enough the trouble I was been expecting arrived at the front door in the shape of a tall big boobed woman with dark green hair. She looked like something out of a heavy metal sci fi porno. Leather pants, chunky combat boots, and a t-shirt so tight I could see the outline of her nipple rings. Her nose and lip were pierced too. She even had tattoos on her neck and hands. I hated her the minute I opened the door, partially because she was so beautiful and sexy. 

“Where’s Ben?” She barely glanced at me as she shifted a large duffle bag on her shoulder. 

“Not here,” I replied, immediately switching into turbo bitch mode. 

It was a reflex. One thing you learn to spot when you’re on the street, or hell even the playground, is how to spot a predator. Someone who is tougher than you. The kind of person who could hurt you. This woman made my brain scream  _ danger _ . 

“Good.” She shoved past me, nearly knocking me over as she forced her way into the house and dropped the duffle bag on the floor. 

“What the fuck? Who the hell are you?” I shouted, turning to face her.

“Mitra, Ben’s ex-girlfriend.” She was leaning casually against the banister, watching me with a smirk. 

I froze. My face must have shown my shock. Her smile got bigger. She seemed to find the whole situation funny. Which pissed me off. 

“You the foster sister?” She stepped closer; I stiffened.

My rage drainedaway into something else. I could feel my face fill with heat, knew I was blushing. My heart raced, and I was so aware of how close she was. 

“Um, yeah.” I sputtered like an dipshit and tried to stay calm while she captured a lock of my hair and twirled it around her finger.

“What’s your name, sis?” She leaned close, and I was sure she was going to try to kiss me. 

“Rey,” it came out in a soft whisper. My heart was racing and my head was spinning. 

It was weird. She looked at me almost in the same way Ben did. I’d had girls hit on me before, but this seemed different. Probably because I was  kind of into it, which freaked me out a little. I’d never liked girls before, but there was something about Mitra. She didn’t even touch me, just my hair, but she was looking at me like I was something she wanted to eat. I felt dizzy. Her mouth opened just enough for her tongue to slip out to slide across her plump bottom lip. 

Her skin was dark and smooth. I wondered if it was as soft as it seemed. I could see the edge of the tattoo on her neck, it looked like a shark. She was so close I could feel her breath on my lips. When she smiled I thought,  _ “she could swallow me whole.”  _ A shiver shot down my spine and left me breathless. 

Then everything got even weirder. Ben appeared in the doorway, shouted Mitra’s name, and yanked me away from his ex-girlfriend so fast I nearly fell on my face. Mitra just laughed, loudly. Ben pushed me behind him, putting himself between me and her.

“What are you doing here?” He was doing that thing where he talked through his teeth. 

“Dropping off some shit you left behind at my place.” She walked closer, getting right up in Ben’s face. 

They were almost the same height. The realization made me shiver again. I had never seen a woman as tall as Ben before. She looked like she could take him in a fight. From the stare down they were having, I was sure I was going to find out. I felt very small in that moment. 

The tension between them was intense and a little scary. Which made the fact that I was turned on even more confusing. Judging from the way Ben looked, I wasn’t the only one. I could tell he was turned on just from how he was breathing and the splotches of red in his cheeks. Mitra just smiled, all teeth and danger. It was obvious that she knew he was turned on too, and enjoying the hell out of it. She reached out to snag a lock of Ben’s hair. Instead of twirling like she did with me, she yanked hard, some of the hair coming away in her fingers. Ben didn’t flinch, or move an inch. Mitra pressed the hairs to her lips, and looked right at me. She winked and blew the hairs into the air between us. 

“Leave.” Ben’s grip on my arm was so tight it hurt a little.

Mitra didn’t even acknowledge him, just nodded at me and said, “Nice to meet you, Rey.” 

She sauntered out the door, and turned back to look at me again. I waited for her to speak, sure she would say something, but all she did was laugh. As soon as the door closed Ben released his grip on my arm.

It was like all the air came back into the room. I was breathing like I had run a marathon. Ben was sweating, the hair around the edge of his face was dark and damp. 

I had no understand of what had happened. Just the strange feeling like a hurricane had hit us. Like I had been stripped to the bone, naked in a way I had never felt before, even with Ben. 

Speaking of Ben, he was acting strange too. His head bowed, as he picked up the bag Mitra left and jogged up the stairs. He didn’t say a word to me, but I followed anyway. I was compelled by the strange situation and way it had left me feeling. 

Ben’s ex-girlfriend was unlike anything I could have ever expected. I felt like such a freak for finding it all sexy, especially since she was Ben’s ex, and he seemed really upset. My body didn’t care. I was wet and trembling, on edge like we’d been making out for hours. It was exhilarating and confusing as hell. 

I hated how it all made me feel like a kid, like there some much happening that I didn’t really understand. Ben sure wasn’t telling me. Following after Ben like a confused puppy only made me feel worse.

He kicked open the door to his room, tossed the bag on his bed and collapsed into chair. I closed his door, and I sat on the edge of the bed. Ben sat there in his stiff, wood chair, body draped like a blanket over the wood. His long legs stretched across the floor, arms dangling. His eyes were closed, but I could hear him breathing. The same frantic pace as it was downstair, when Mitra worked him up. He was still turned on. So was I. 

I wanted to say something, but I didn’t know what to say. There was obviously a lot more going on between Ben and Mitra. It was more than her just being his ex-girlfriend. I couldn’t get the image of her yanking out Ben’s hair out of my head. How he had let her do it, and how I could tell he liked it. 

The longer I sat there the more I thought about Mitra, which only confused me more. I expected to be jealous, meeting Ben’s ex-girlfriend, but I wasn’t. More than anything I wondered what would have happened if Ben hadn’t come home. That thought only made me more horny and confused. 

Everything I thought I knew about relationships and dating told me I should hate Mitra. She seemed so confident and sexy; she pissed off Ben. I should have hated her, but I didn’t. I liked her, a lot. I wanted to be like her. I couldn’t help but think that if she were there she wouldn’t be waiting for Ben to say something. Mitra would  _ do  _ something. 

My skin felt too tight. I needed to act, to move. It finally sparked a thought. What would Mitra do?

I was off the bed, and going to my knees in front of Ben. He didn’t open his eyes or move, still deep in whatever thought he was having. I didn’t care. I grabbed his belt and began to unbuckle it. To my surprise he didn’t stop me, just opened his eyes to watch. I had his jeans unzipped, my hand searching inside his boxers, before he finally spoke.

“Mom will be home soon,” he whispered, making no move to stop me. 

“I guess we better hurry,” I sounded so much cooler and in control than I felt, but it seemed to work on Ben.

He relaxed into the chair, and I lowered my mouth onto his half hard dick. I had done a little studying up, watched some porn and internet tutorials on giving head,. all of it in the hopes that I wouldn’t embarrass myself the next time I tried to give Ben a blow job. 

Funny enough, all that self consciousness was gone in that moment I sank down on Ben’s dick. My eyes fixed on his face, all I thought about was how much I loved that he was watching me. It felt powerful, holding his attention. It reminded me of how Mitra had all Ben’s attention earlier downstairs. Though with her, he seemed angry and agitated. With me, his expression was calm and almost overwhelmed. He bit his lip and made little breathy sounds as I curled my tongue around the head of his dick.

I wrapped my hands around him, like I’d seen in the videos. I gripped the base of his dick firmly and worked his length with a steady movements, while my mouth and tongue worked the head. Ben looked like he was drowning, his mouth opening and closing while he gripped the back of the chair. 

It was so fascinating to hold his dick in the prison of my hands and mouth. The most sensitive, and vulnerable part of him was mine to control. I watched him react to everything I did, like his dick was a joystick. Suck and lick it the right way, he would jerk and gasp. Squeeze and pump it, and he would groan and jerk his hips. I liked it, liked having Ben in the palm of my hand. 

I could tell by the color of his dick and face that we was close, I didn’t want it to end yet. Toying with him had only gotten me more worked up. I wanted try something else. 

“Hey,” Ben gasp, staring at me, dazed, as I stood up. 

I ignored him. I had other plans. There was a tie lying on his desk. I grabbed it and moved behind the chair. I’d never actually tied anyone up, but I figured it couldn’t be too hard.

Ben shift in this chair when I grabbed his arm, and moved his other arm around to offer it to me. It was like he’d done this before. The thought sent a shiver through me as I wrapped the tie around his wrists and secured it to the back of the chair. 

When I moved back to stand in front of him, I felt taller. I liked how it felt to look down at him, as he sat in the chair. Ben gazed up at me, his hair in his eyes. He looked younger, maybe even a little smaller. 

I went to his dresser, grabbed a condom, and put it on. It was easier than I thought it would be, and Ben squirmed as I slid my hand over his dick to make sure it was secure. I teased him a little more, dragging my tongue over him until he actually growled. 

I giggled a little, but relented and got undressed. I only took off my pants and underwear, not even bothering with my shirt. This wasn’t about making out and foreplay. It was about fucking him. I liked how dirty that sounded in my head.  _ Fucking Ben. _

A thrill like an electric shock shot through me as I climbed on to his lap and sank down on his dick. Ben let out a low raspy moan, his head falling back. I reach around the back of his head, and took hold of a fistfull of his hair. His eyes shot open as I yanked hard and made him look at me. As he stared, my fist in his hair, I began to move. 

It was intense, feeling him sink into me to the hilt. His body trembling under me, my own feeling so full and on fire with pleasure. It was an awkward angle, with my legs slightly bowed around Ben in order to reach the floor. I had to use every muscle in my legs and feet, pushing up with my toes, and shifting my hips so Ben’s dick would hit that perfect spot inside me on the downstroke. 

The whole time, Ben’s dark eyes watched me while I fucked him. His mouth opened just a little, making him look a little shocked, like he had never seen me before. I was surprised too, and I liked it. 

I was close, and I could tell Ben was too. My legs were starting to shake from the effort to keep moving, but it felt so good I didn’t want to stop. I let go of Ben’s hair, so I could brace myself with both my hands on the back of the chair. It gave me the leverage I needed to move faster, with more force. 

As I started slamming myself onto him, the tingling heat of my orgasm began to gather in my belly. I heard a ripping sound and something snapped. Before I realized what was happening, Ben’s hands were around my waist, and he moving my body. His strength was unbelievable. He was practically lifting me up off the ground. I gave into it, let him take over as my orgasm hit me full force. 

I clung to Ben’s shoulders while I shook and heard him cry out in the distance. It seemed far away; everything did except for the movement of our bodies as he continued to fuck me into another orgasm. I was crying, my nails digging into his shoulders. It felt amazing, too good, like my body couldn’t hold it all. Ben slowly stopped, letting me settle onto his lap, his dick still inside me. As I caught my breath and blinked away the tears I noticed red on his shirt. In horror, I realized there were blood stains along his shoulders where I had been digging in my nails.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry.” I covered my mouth, stunned and embarrassed by what I’d done.

“I’m not,” he chuckled, kissing my chin, and slowly shifted me off his lap. 

My legs were wobbly, basically useless. Luckily Ben just picked me up and carried me to his bed. We lay there for a long while, just breathing beside each other. All sticky from sex, but kind of happy too. I kept looking at the red stains on his shirt. He just stared at the ceiling. 

All the questions that I hadn’t had time to really think about flooded into my brain. Ben had an ex-girlfriend. That meant he had a girlfriend at one time. So what did that make me?  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah. Rey is bi, so is Ben. Pretty much everyone I write is bi/pan unless I explicitly say otherwise. 
> 
> Mitra Gev is the granddaughter of Boba Fett, in the Extended Universe canon now called Legends. She's also Maori, in my head canon, since Jango and Boba are played by Maori actors in the prequels. Hence why she's almost as tall as Ben, she's approximately 6'1". 
> 
> Both my beta's have requested an outtake/one shot of a threesome. If you'd be interested in reading that let me know and I'll work on it after Fault Lines is complete.
> 
> Thank you for reading,  
> Ever your faithful trash lady


	10. Chapter 10

The day started out so well. Ben took me to the new rehearsal studio the band was using. It was like a closet. The walls were covered in grey foam that looked like rows of teeth. When we walked in I brushed my hands over it, expecting it to be hard, but it gave easily under my touch. I could faintly hear someone in the room next to us singing. 

“Come here.” He patted a wooden chair next in one corner, and began to take a guitar out of the case he had brought with us. 

I sat down and looked around the room, trying to imagine all the instruments and four guys fitting in the tiny space. “Where’s the rest of the instruments?”

“We bring them ourselves,” he explained, and handed me the guitar, while he searched in the case for something. “It’s a rental. Other bands use it too.”

“No one needs it now?” I asked, positioning the guitar on my lap like I’d seen countless musicians do. 

“Hush.” He was trying to look exasperated as he shoved a guitar pick into my hand, but his goofy smile was ruining the whole effect. 

“You hush.” I stuck my tongue out at him and ran the pick over the strings. 

He covered the strings with his hand. “Listen to your teacher.” 

It was my turn to pretend to be annoyed. He didn’t even bother to look, he was too busy positioning my finger on the neck of the guitar, while he rambled about notes, chords, and a bunch of other stuff. I didn’t understand. To be honest it was kind of boring, and I didn’t really care. I was there for Ben. I liked being close to him. 

He got so intense about music. I loved how worked up he got from playing guitar and singing. His eyebrows drew together and his face flushed. His long fingers flew over the strings, while his mouth seemed to kiss the air with each word. Ben made the same faces when he sang as he did during sex. 

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder, covering my hand with his own. His chest pressed against my back, his breath brushing my cheek while he repeated the notes and moved my fingers over the rough metal strings. It was hard to focus. Fuck, it was hard to breathe. 

“Now, try that.” He let go of my hand, and I panicked for a second. 

“Um, okay.” I checked my fingers were in the right position, drew the pick down the strings, and snagged my fingernail. “Fuck!”

Ben chuckled. He crouched down in front of me, taking my hand in his own. My nail was broken, hanging by a little bit on the corner. Ben put it in his mouth, trapping the nail with his teeth and ripped it off. 

“You’re fine.” He kissed my finger before putting my hand back on the guitar. “Better get used to pain. I’ve played until my fingers bled.” 

He moved away to lean against the wall, and nodded for me to try again. A mixture of embarrassment and annoyance brought heat to my face, and made me focus. I didn’t like feeling like a failure, especially when Ben was watching. His little chuckle pissed me off. 

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I focused on the memory of Ben’s hands on mine, on the feel of the strings beneath my fingers. When I was ready, I drew the pick down and the sound filled the room. My fingers moved like they knew what they were supposed to do. The guitar hummed in my lap, vibrating the sound through me. It felt right, and it sounded even better.

When I finished I opened my eyes. Ben was staring at me. I was about to ask what he thought, when he spoke. “Do it again.” 

We spent the afternoon there. Ben showed me the different finger positions for songs, then had me play them. He corrected me a couple of times, on small things, but it seems pretty easy. I still didn’t understand all the notes, and technical stuff he talked about, but I didn’t think my life was going to ever depend on me knowing what a chord progression was. It was easier to just connect the positioning of my fingers to the sound. 

Soon enough I was feeling my way through the beginning of Ben’s song. It was clumsy, but I got most of it right. I started to sing a little of it, quietly. I’d never really sung in front of anyone before. 

Ben watched me with a strange look on his face. His mouth was scrunched up, which made his chin all wrinkly. His eyes were wide, but not in an angry way. He kept swallowing. It was like there was his face couldn't figure out what it wanted to do. It made me uncomfortable, so I stopped. I didn’t remember all the words anyway. 

Shortly after that, another band showed up to kick us out. Ben packed up the guitar and led me out of the building without a word. I wondered if I had made him upset, but decided I didn’t want to ask. After a few minutes of driving he took hold of hand and pressed my finger tips to his lips. That made me feel better. I decided he must be thinking about band related stuff. 

We pulled up to the house, Mr. Solo’s car was parked in the driveway. Ben turned off the engine, but didn’t let go of my hand. I looked at him; he was staring at the steering wheel. 

“I’m moving out,” he said softly.

I wasn’t sure I heard him right, but I was too scared to ask. “Oh.” 

“It’s pathetic, living with my mother.” He shook his head a little, while he picked at a crack in the steering wheel. “I need to start thinking about my future. Things are finally coming together with the band.”

I nodded, not sure what I was supposed to say. He looked at me, and I quickly glanced at my hands. It felt like there was a small mountain stuck in my throat. 

“Rey.” He took hold of my chin and forced me to look at him. “This isn’t about you. Well, not completely. I mean...don’t take it personally. Fuck!”

Ben slammed his hands on the steering wheel. It made the whole car shake. It was like old Ben was back. He was doing that thing he always did when he was angry, clawing his fingers through his hair and grimacing. I shrank away from him, and leaned against my door. The movement caught his attention, and he looked over at me. His face crumpled a little, then shifted to the look he had at the practice space.

“Oh no, please don’t.” He tried to reach for me, but stopped and then covered his face with his hands. “I’m sorry. I’m fucking this up.” 

“It’s okay.” I extending my hand to touch his arm. “I understand.”

He lowered his hands, and gave me a sad smile. “You’re a terrible liar.” 

I couldn’t bring myself to smile back. It felt like I had fallen into a hole. The longer we sat there the worse I felt. Tears were trying to fight to the surface of my eyes. I was determined to not cry in front of him. 

“Well, I guess I might as well give you this.” Ben pulled something out of his pocket and dropped it into my lap. “Happy Birthday.”

It was a little blue box. I was stunned. It was my birthday, but I hadn’t told him. I hadn’t told anyone. It was never something I celebrated much anyway, since it wasn’t real. Just like my last name. It was a number they gave me, like they gave me everything else. He must have found out from his mother. Mrs. Organa had all my paperwork. It didn’t matter, he’d just given me another reason to never want to celebrate this day.

Why would he give me a gift after dumping me? Was it some pity gift? I wanted to throw it in his face. 

“Are you going to open it?” He tugged at the white ribbon, undid the bow, and leaned closer to whisper in my ear, “I’m sorry, I’m shit at talking.”

He pressed his lips to my ear, and opened the box for me. It was a necklace. A thin silver chain, with a tiny, silver bird pendant. 

“Do you like it?” He nudged my cheek with his nose, and I nodded, a tear escaping the corner of my eye. “Rey, stop please.” 

Ben wiped my face, and helped me put on the necklace. His phone chimed with a message. He kissed my cheek, and checked it. 

“Let’s go inside,” he said, typing on his phone. 

My mind filled with all the possible people he could be texting right now. My stomach hurt. The necklace pressed against my skin like it weighed a hundred pounds. I didn’t want to go in the house, didn’t want to go anywhere with him. I wanted to run, but I got out of the car and followed him into the house. I didn’t have any other option. 

He waited until I was standing beside him before he opened the door and someone screamed, “Happy birthday.” 

I nearly threw up, I was so startled. Ben took hold of my arm, steadying me as he pulled me into the house. Ms. Organa was there with Mr. Solo, along with some other people I didn’t know. Mr. Solo was holding a big cake covered in candles, while Ms. Organa handed me a balloon and kissed my cheek. 

“It’s an ice cream cake, so blow out the candles quick before it melts all over the carpet.” Ms. Organa laughed, and pushed me toward the flaming cake. 

I blew out the candles. Everyone cheered and began to sing Happy Birthday song. It was weird, but also good. I still felt like I was going to pass out at any minute, but I also felt...at home. I gave Ms. Organa a hug, thanking her and Mr. Solo, who “didn’t do hugs.” 

Ben was hugging some bearded guy wearing sunglasses. He looked like a fashion magazine version of lumberjack, but old. His thick beard and hair was a mixture of blond and grey. He was looking at me while he spoke with Ben, who seemed really excited to talk with the guy. 

Ms. Organa moved everyone into the dining room and started dishing up cake. I sat down with my piece, trying to pretend I was eating it, and watched Ben out of the corner of my eye. He and Mr. Solo were talking in the kitchen. They both looked upset about something. I shifted in my seat to  get a better look at Ben’s face. He looked confused and upset. I wondered why.

“Hello there.” 

I nearly jumped out of my seat. The lumberjack had sat down beside me. His sunglasses were off, and he was holding out his hand. Something about him seemed familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it. 

I took his hand and he smiled. “I’m Luke.” 

“Hi, I’m Rey.” I pulled my hand back and smiled.

“So I hear. That’s a lovely name. Did you know there’s a song with the same name?” 

Just like that, something clicked in my head, and I realized who I was talking to. It must have shown on my face, because he started chuckling. Luke Skywalker was laughing at me.

The Luke Skywalker. He was one of the biggest names in music, though, like, old school stuff. I knew most of his songs, everyone did. I was named after one of his biggest hit songs. Or at least I assumed so, because it was the only other thing that came up in a google search for my name. Other than an insurance company and a hipster singer who I hated, mostly because I felt like she stole my name. 

Luke began to speak, and my brain unfroze enough to pay attention. “I’ve been looking forward to meeting you. Leia has told me so much, she’s your number one fan.” 

“Damn right I am.” Ms. Organa walked up to slap Luke’s shoulder, in the playful way she did with Ben and his dad. “You two should find a quiet corner to talk.”

Luke’s phone began to ring, and he groaned. “Excuse me, I need to take this. It’s probably important.” 

He got up from the table, and answered his phone. Ms. Organa sat down, took my hands in hers, and shook her head. “My brother, mister music mogul.” 

I hadn’t even really processed what she said, when Ben called out my name. He was walking into the room, a strange look on his face. Something was wrong. 

“I need to talk to you.” He took me by the wrist and pulled me out of the room. 

I could hear Mr. Solo shouting his name, but we were already out the kitchen door. He was leading me toward his car. I stopped.

“What’s going on?” I yanked my arm out of his grip.

“We need to leave,” he insisted, and grabbed both my arms. “Right now.”

“Why?” I was so confused, and the fact that he was inches from my face didn’t help.

“I’ll explain, just get in the car.” He was crying, tears sliding down his cheeks while he pleaded with me.

“No.” It scared me, seeing him crying like that. “Where are we going?”

“Please, Rey, come with me. He leaned in and kissed me softly. 

Ms. Organa called my name. I panicked. My feet were moving before I realized what I was doing. I was in the car in seconds. Ben pulled out before I had my door shut all the way. We sped down the street, going way too fast. My heart was racing, but I was also relieved, if still really confused. Ben’s phone started ringing. He ignored it and kept driving. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading.   
> *waves from a flaming dumpster*


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We all fall down."

We drove for over an hour. Ben didn’t speak the whole time. His phone finally stopped ringing a half hour in, which only freaked me out even more. 

It all happened so fast back at the house. I didn’t have time to think. An hour in the car speeding out of town with nothing but silence gave me a lot of time. 

I thought about Ms. Organa. We had been in the process of getting me registered for college. She and Mr. Solo said would get me help to pay so I didn’t have to apply for a student loan, even offering to let me stay at the house if I didn’t want to live in the dorms. That was gone now. There was no way they didn’t see Ben kissing me in front of the house. After everything they had done for me, I repaid them by running away with their son, in the middle of the birthday party they threw me. I was such an asshole.

Something else nagged at me. Why the hell was Luke Skywalker at my birthday party? I wasn’t sure if I heard Ms. Organa right when she called him her brother. I remembered Ben talking to Luke like they were old friends. I wondered if that was why we were now on the run, like Luke did something to upset Ben, but that didn’t fit. He had been talking with Mr. Solo, not Luke. Nothing added up. 

Ben had just broken up with me minutes before the party, or at least I thought that was what had happened in his car. Though I wasn’t sure if we were actually dating. I touched the necklace at my throat. It felt so small, so fragile, like if I squeezed it would fall to pieces in my hand.

Ben finally pulled into the parking lot of a motel. I had no idea where we were. Everything was strange and seedy, like something out of a horror movie or cheap porno. 

I thought he would get out, but he just sat there, his head on the steering wheel. I watched him, trapped behind glass again. Alone, even though we were in his car together. 

“I’ve got a plan, part of one at least,” His voice was shaky, like he wasn’t even sure he believe what he was saying. “I thought we’d have more time for me to get my shit together, but that’s fucked now.”

“What are you talking about?” I tilted my head, trying to look at him, but his hair was covering his face.

He wiped his hands over his face, and combed back his hair. “Us, Rey! I fucked it up.”

“No,” I insisted, shocked and confused. “Even if they did see us kiss, I’m eighteen now. There’s nothing they can do. I’m an adult.”

Ben closed his eyes, like what I said was silly, almost as if it hurt him to hear it. “You don’t understand, but it doesn’t matter.” 

He straightened his back and shook his head, like he was trying to convince himself as much as me. I wasn’t really buying it. Something else was going on. This wasn’t just about me being underage and his foster sister. 

“Ben, please tell me what the hell is going on?” I reached out to touch his hand, and he took it immediately between his own. 

His hands were so big, mine looked like a little kid’s hand by comparison. The thought made me feel weird and wrong. I used to feel safe when Ben touched me. The sense of being wanted gave me a kind of high, but at that moment it made me feel trapped. He seemed to sense my discomfort and let go.

“I love you,” it came out of him in a rush, so fast I didn’t trust my own ears. “I didn’t want to scare you, everything has been moving so fast and you’re so young.”

“I’m eighteen,” I argued, my voice sounding small even to me.

“And I’m twenty-six,” he sighed, and continued. “I was trying to do the right thing, Rey. Give you time and space, but now...”

He looked at his lap, flexed his fingers like his hands hurt. It made sense, in a way. He was trying to give me space before, but something changed. 

“What?” I wanted him to just spit it out.

Ben took a shaky breath, looked up at me. “If I asked you to marry me, would you?”

I was floored. It wasn’t what I expected him to say at all. The idea was so beyond anything I’d ever dreamed I would do. Marry Ben? Not even an hour ago he was dumping me; now he wanted to make me his wife. My confusion must have been evidenced on my face because he spoke again. 

“Listen, I know this is a lot to take in.” He suddenly sounded so sure, so confident. “This all happened so fast, it’s strange, but I don’t want anyone else. For me, Rey, it’s only you. It will only ever be you.” 

I didn’t know what to say. Looking into his red-rimmed eyes, his mouth spread in that goofy, hopeful smile, my heart did a little skip. I loved him. I realized it for the first time at that very moment. I had loved him for a while, but was too scared to even consider it as an option. 

Now, it was real. I loved Ben, and he loved me. He wanted to marry me. I was still scared. 

A million question rushed through my mind. What if things didn’t work out? What if he got tired of me? What if we got in a fight and broke up? What did I have? 

_ Nothing _ .

My brain froze. The realization felt like a lead weight falling through my stomach. There was no going back to Ms. Organa’s now. I’d run off with her son. I was eighteen, and an adult. There would be no social workers, or foster homes waiting. I was on my own. Alone.

“Yes,” I answered quickly. 

Ben kissed me so hard it bent my head back at a painful angle. I pushed his chest, and he broke the kiss. He pulled me into his arms, and let out a long exhale. I felt all the tension leave his body, and pour into me. 

I loved him. That wasn’t a lie, but deep down I knew I said yes for the wrong reason. I felt ugly for doing it.

He had me wait in the car while he set us up with a room. I stared out the window at the dingy motel. I felt so lost and confused.

Ben’s phone rang. An image of Ms. Organa filled the screen. Before I even knew what I was doing, I had the phone in my hand and was answering. 

“Hello?” My voice was so quiet, I wasn’t sure if she heard me at first.

“Rey? Honey is that you?” She didn’t sound mad, in fact she sounded relieved. 

“Yes,” I sobbed, the tears burst out of me. “I’m so sorry. It’s my fault.”

“Don’t say that, sweetheart.” She seemed so earnest, like she really meant it. “We’re just so worried. We want you to come home.”

_ Home _ . It hit me, the weight now in my chest. I wanted to go back home. 

“Rey, honey, where are you?” 

“I don’t know.” I wiped my face, trying to collect myself. “A motel.”

“Can you tell me the name?” She sounded so calm and concerned. 

I looked out the window, and read the sign. “Shady Pines.”

As I lowered my gaze from the sign I saw Ben leaving the office. I hung up the phone immediately and practically threw it across the car. A few seconds later Ben opened the car door. I did my best to look calm, but he saw right through me. 

Ben climbed in, kneeling on his seat so he could reach me. “I know it’s been a fucked up day. Let’s go up to the room and get some rest.”

I nodded, sniffling a little as he kissed my forehead. He lead the way up the stairs to the room. It was on the second level. 

When we got inside it smelled musty, but looked fairly clean. He sat down on the edge of the bed and took off his shoes. I went to the bathroom and closed the door. It was like there was a clock ticking down, I knew it wouldn’t be long before they would be here and Ben would know I was a big liar. 

He wouldn’t love me after this. He would hate me. I hated myself too. I was weak. I was a kid. All I wanted was to be back in my bed. I wished this was all a bad dream.

Eventually, Ben came knocking. I cleaned up my face with one of the washcloths and opened the door. He looked down at me. He was smiling, and it hurt to see him so happy. I wanted him to stay that way forever. 

I closed the distance between us, wrapping my arms around his neck, and kissed him. This time it wasn’t a sweet, no-tongue kiss. Ben’s mouth opened for me, his tongue slipping between my lips, and did things that made me groan. He lifted me up into his arms, and carried me to the bed. 

When he set me down, he stood back up to look at me. I was laying on my back, spread out across the bed. He just smiled down at me, like I was enough. Like I was everything. 

I remember thinking that his face, that look he had, was what loved looked like. He was so beautiful. It hurt to look at him. I closed my eyes, and covered my face with my hands. 

Soon I felt his weight next to me on the bed. He pushed my hands from my face, and kissed my eyelids. I turned away, but he stopped me. 

“Open your eyes.” His strong hand on my chin forced me to obey, to look at him.

As soon as my eyes opened, tears slid free. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?” He gave me a confused smile. 

“I love you.” Was all I could say. 

Ben only smiled wider, and chuckled. “Of course you do, silly girl.”

That pulled a sob out of me. He pulled me into his arms. Kissed the top of my head. 

“I’m sorry too,” he whispered against my hair. 

“Why?” I asked, my voice muffled by his shirt.

“You’ll find out soon enough when they get here.” 

I stiffened. He just chuckled again, but there was less humor in it, more bitterness. I felt sick.

“I know you talked to them. I saw the call on my phone.” He sighed heavily, and began to lightly brush his hand over my hair. “I’m not mad, Rey. I promise. I just hope you’ll understand that I was trying to protect you.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just clung to him. We lay there for what seemed like hours, until someone knocked on the door. Ben sighed, and made us sit up. He brushed the hair out of my face, and kissed me one last time. Then he answered the door. 

It was hard to recall in what order everything happened. I know that Ms. Organa was the first person to hug me. She kissed my cheek and told me that everything was going to be okay. Ben and his father were shouting, and Luke was there too. He was standing in the doorway staring at me. 

It was strange, but in that moment I knew whatever Ben hadn’t told me had something to do with Luke. I knew it from the way Luke looked at me. Then he wasn’t looking at me anymore. 

He was glaring at Ben, and saying something that didn’t make sense, “Don’t give us that bullshit, Ben. You’re a grown man. It’s about time you acted like one.”

“Fuck you!” Ben shouted, charging at Luke his eyes wild with rage. “You of all people have no right to fucking judge me. One broken condom and I could have just as easily been calling you Dad.”

My mouth dropped open. Luke looked ready to take a swing, but it was Ms. Organa who slapped Ben, hard. Everything went silent for a long minute. Ben held the side of his face. He and his mother exchanged scathing looks. 

Then he was gone, out the door. A few minutes later I heard his car start up and screech out of the parking lot. I was alone on the bed, still trying to piece together what was going on. Mr. Solo took a seat next to me, and wrapped his arm around me. 

“It’s going to be okay, kid.” I could tell he was lying. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets revealed.

The ride home was quiet and tense. I sat in the backseat next to Ms. Organa. She held my hand the whole time, while I tried to not cry. And failed, spectacularly. 

When we got to the house, Ms. Organa led me up to my room. She asked me a bunch of questions:  was I hungry, did I want water, or tea. I said no and sat down on my bed. She started to leave, muttering about letting me rest. I stopped her, grabbed ahold of her wrist, and glared at her. She knew what I wanted. Answers. 

After a few minutes, she finally settled down on the bed beside me and began to tell me everything. She started with her not knowing her birth parents. How she never really looked into it because she had a happy life with her adopted parents. Then she talked about her wild years. 

“I’d been a good girl my whole life. I thought I earned a summer of adventures.” She smiled when she said it.

I wondered if I would ever be able to look back on life like that, with a smile. In that moment it didn’t seem possible. My life was one fucking train wreck after the other. Everyone left. I was always alone. Nothing ever changed.

Ms. Organa told me about how she had started following bands with her friends. Hooking up with roadies, and hopping on tour buses. She traveled across the country, meeting all kinds of musicians and having fun with her friends. I guess she wasn’t lying when she said she was a wild child. 

Then she stopped, her smile faded, and she took a deep breath. All the happiness was gone. I felt its absence like a chill in the air. 

“I meet Luke at a music festival outside of Sacramento. You can imagine how I felt, THE Luke Skywalker.” She shook her head, a sad smile on her face. “We didn’t know then, we were just young and drunk on life.” 

“At the end of the summer we parted ways, and I went off to college. I never thought anything of it, other than it was a fun memory. Eventually, I met Han, and Ben came along. He was the reason I decided to seek out my birth records. My parents died before Ben was born and I felt like I owed it to him to find the rest of his family. When I saw my father’s name on my birth certificate...”

She paused, closing her eyes. I reached over, and touched her hand with my fingers. She nodded her eyes, looked grateful for the contact. 

“Are you familiar with Darth Vader?” 

“Of course, he’s like an old rock guy.” I vaguely remembered he was like Gwar, and wore a big costume that made him look like some vampire robot. 

“Vader was a stage name. His real name was Anakin Skywalker.” Ms. Organa slouched a little, like saying the name was painful. “He wasn’t a good man, dear. An alcoholic, abusive...our mother was one of many girlfriends. She left him and gave up Luke and I to protect us.” 

I sat there stunned. Suddenly, so many things about Ben made sense. His band, and costume, even the ridiculous Kylo Ren name. He was trying to be like his grandfather. It explained why I didn’t like his music. It also explained the comment he had made in the hotel room, and why his mother had slapped him. 

Ms. Oragana was speaking again, telling me how she reconnected with Luke, as brother and sister. They were doing well until she and Mr. Solo got divorced. Apparently, Mr. Solo knew about her summer with Luke, but not that they were related. He discovered they’d been talking, and assumed they were having an affair. Ben overheard when she told Mr. Solo the truth. 

“For a long time he was really angry about it, assuming it caused our divorce or made him strange.” She looked so sad, almost guilty as she spoke. “I thought he’d moved past it. He was even talking with Luke recently about the music business. He was so excited about his band.”

She went quiet, closed her eyes, took hold of my hand, and gripped my it tight. The bottom of my stomach dropped out. I realized none of this explained why Ben had freaked out today. Judging by everyone’s behavior they didn’t hate me, and no one said anything about arresting Ben. So it wasn’t because of our age difference or that I’d been a foster kid.

“Luke contacted us a few months ago.” She took a shaky breath. “A few years ago he had learned that an old girlfriend had died. She was an addict. He also discovered she had a daughter. A little girl she named Rey, after her father’s song.”

I stared at the floor, not believing what I was hearing. It was impossible. Not possible at all.

She continued to speak, “When Han found you, he wasn’t sure it was the same Rey. We had to get a DNA test to be sure and Luke was on tour. So we took you in, and waited for him to return.”

“So,” my voice cracked as I started to speak, I swallow past the giant lump and continued. “I might not be... his daughter?”

Luke Skywalker’s daughter. Me. It was a dream and a nightmare. If I was Luke’s daughter, I’d been fucking my cousin. Ben was my cousin.

“We did the test.” Ms. Organa brushed my hair from my face. It was so familiar, exactly how Ben did it. “I didn’t want to get your hopes up in case it turned out to not be a match.” 

“But it was.” It wasn’t a question. I knew the answer. It was written all over her face. The ache in my chest had turned into a fire.

_ I was just trying to protect you. _

Ben’s words came back to me like a slap across my face. He knew. That was why he was arguing with his father, and why he suddenly changed his mind about leaving me alone. He asked me to marry him without even telling me. That made me angry. He knew and he didn’t say. 

“Honey, Ben is a very--” 

I cut her off with, “I want to be alone, please.” 

“Of course,” she sighed, gently patting my hand, and left me to drown in my thoughts alone.

My chest was hollow. All I can hear was my heartbeat. The silence in the house weighed on me, like a heavy blanket trying to smother me. 

I always thought I wanted a family. I dreamed of it like little kids wish on stars. Now, I wished I could take it all back. If this was family, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life. 

Something stirred at my window, a scratching, tapping sound. I looked up to see Ben’s face in the glass. I froze, terrified. All the anger I felt for him drained out of me. He knocked on the window, and I felt each tap like a punch to my gut.

I rose from my bed, and went to the window. It was hard to unlatch, but he helped, and eventually it swung open. He stumbled into the room and grabbed me around the waist. I fought free his hold and put as much distance between us as I could manage in the small space. 

He studied my face for a long minute. “They told you.”

“Yes.” It came out like a hiss.

“I don’t care,” he insisted, walking closer to me. “I still love you.”

I kept stepping back my calves hit the edge of my bed, “I care. You lied to me.”

That stopped him. “No. I just didn’t tell you, because I didn’t want you to go through this, what you’re feeling right now. I was trying to protect you.”

He looked so sincere, like he really believed what he was saying. I knew he did love me, but he wasn’t honest. If I hadn’t answered his phone, we would be married by now. I wondered if he would have ever told me or just kept me from his family, our family forever.

It was like I was seeing him for the first time. I didn’t like what I saw. It must have shown on my face. 

Ben stepped back, face darkening. “You said you loved me.”

I took a deep breath, summoned all my courage--I didn’t even know where from--and said, “I do love you, like a cousin.”

It was like I had punched him. He looked so hurt. I wanted to reach out to him, to make the pain stop, but I didn’t. Luke, my father, was right. Ben was the adult here. He needed to act like it.

“Go, Ben, just leave me alone.” 

I didn’t even wait for him to respond. Instead I climbed into bed, and closed my eyes. I heard his retreating footsteps, felt the cold air receded as he closed the window. As I fell asleep, I wondered how I could still love him so much after everything he had done, and if it would ever stop. 

~***~

Three years later and I was back on my bed, staring at my window. No matter how many times my brain replayed our last heartbreaking conversation it always ended the same. Ben left me and wasn’t coming back, not through the window anyway.

My flight got in late the night before. Aunt Leia was asleep when I got home, so I let myself in and came upstairs. My old room looked exactly the same as it did the last time I visited, two Christmases ago.

I hadn’t been back for a lot of reasons, college being the foremost. The other was my dad never staying in the same place for more than a month. I tried to spend most of my time off with him, catch up on the years we were apart. 

It usually meant traveling, a lot. He was always searching for new musicians to mentor or a new charitable cause to sponsor. His latest project was starting a new school for the arts in Detroit. He was also setting up a studio in the city to start producing local acts. He’d already signed two new musicians to his label. He’d been raising money by doing shows all over the world. My dad, the rock star. 

I remembered how nervous I was when I told him I wasn’t interested in going into music, that I wanted to be a social worker like Aunt Leia. He just smiled and said, “I make music because I’m good at it and it allows me to help people.” That was his real passion, helping others. I didn’t think he would stop until he saved the whole world. 

If only he could save Ben, but he gave up on that years ago.

I had sent him a text the day before, letting him know I was flying out. He promised he would come too, getting the next flight out of Sidney. I knew he was coming to help me, not that he could really do much. Still, it made me feel better, knowing he dropped everything to be there for me. Like he and Aunt Leia always said, “We’re family, that’s what we do.” 

_ Family _ . 

The sky on the other side of the window turned a violent shade of orange. Sunrise was coming. That meant I would be seeing him soon. I sighed and turned my back on the light.

I was tempted to check the time on my phone, but I resisted. I wanted a few more minutes of silence, and turned my head into my pillow. As I inhaled deeply, I swore I could still smell Ben. It was only in my mind, but that didn’t make the ache in my chest ease up one bit.

Three years I’d stayed away. Tried to live my life, and forget about everything that happened. Ben did not make it easy. 

Kylo Ren was one of the biggest stars on the planet. His debut album, Call to Darkness, had record breaking sales. He and the other Knights of Ren finished a sold out world tour last month, and they’d been nominated for a bunch of Grammys. The grandson of the legendary Darth Vader was well on the his way to being a legend in his own right. If he didn’t kill himself first.

I picked up my phone from the nightstand, opened up my voicemail, and pressed it to my ear.

“Rey,” he sighed heavily. “I fucked up again. No big surprise. I got so caught up in trying to prove I was right, wanted to be that guy. You knew better, you could always see right through me. That doesn’t matter. You’ll probably delete this, but in case you don’t I need you to know. You and me, that was real. I know you felt it. And I fucked it up, that’s on me. But all I was trying to do was love you. I’ll never apologize for that. Anyway, I just thought you should know.”

I put my phone down, and pressed my face back into my pillow. The ache in my chest was replaced by a crushing weight of guilt. I was asleep when he left the message. Part of me wondered what would have happened if I had answered. Would I have stopped him, or would it have just postponed the inevitable?  

Aunt Leia had tried to reassure me over the years that Ben had been on a path to destruction for a long time. “Success and media attention has just worsened problems that were already there.” 

I knew she was right. Ben was already sleeping his way through groupies before we ever got involved. So it wasn’t a surprise when I saw him on the news with a girl on each arm, at red carpet events and award shows. He was always volatile. The news reports of fights and assault charges, that were later dropped, weren’t all that surprising either. 

The drugs bothered me. Ben used to never drink much, said it got in the way of the music. Now, a google search brought up countless images of him stoned out of his mind, videos of him slurring his way through interviews, and even tabloid stories about him being found passed out drunk in clubs.

When Aunt Leia called me yesterday to tell me Ben had overdosed, I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. After I got off the phone I noticed I had a voicemail. When I listened I immediately ran to the bathroom to throw up. I lay on the cold tile floor, and couldn’t stop shaking. All I could think was, Ben almost died. It never occurred to me before that he could leave forever.

In the bright silence of my room, I was still trembling a little. My fingers went to my throat, and found the necklace Ben gave me. The tiny bird fit between my fingers like it was meant to be there. I closed my eyes, and tried to relax. 

My phone dinged. I reluctantly picked it up to and checked the text message. It was Mitra.

_ Stop moping and put on your game face. You can do this. <3 _

I smiled, and typed in my response. 

_ You’re the best bitch. _

Her response came in a flash.

_ Don’t forget it. _

I chuckled and threw down my phone. Our friendship was one of the few good things to come from this whole mess. She understood better than anyone how hard this was for me. When I eventually told her everything about Ben and I, she just hugged me, and said, “You know, first cousins get married all the time in Europe.” 

When I called her last night, on my way to the airport, she told me I was strong enough to handle whatever happened. I believe her; she never lies to me. This wasn’t going to be easy, seeing Ben, but I knew I could do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting. Editing and posting these last chapters on my phone, which is slow going. I hope to have to last one up by Monday. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> I am ever you humble trashlady  
> ;)


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not-so tidy endings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for posting this a day late. Had some technical difficulties with google docs. Yes, this is the last chapter. Hope you enjoy.

It was an hour drive to the hospital. Which gave Aunt Leia and I plenty of time to have the awkward conversation I had been avoiding since she called to tell me about Ben. 

“How long has it been since you two last spoke?” she asked out of nowhere, about ten minutes into the drive. 

I was both ready and not. I swallowed hard and answered in a steady voice. “Not since that night.”

She looked almost disappointed. “You know I appreciate your support, but you don't have to see him.”

“He's family,” I replied, almost out of instinct. 

Aunt Leia sighed, steered the car onto the shoulder of the road, and put it in park. She turned in her seat and I immediately felt like a child. This was her mom stance. 

“Rey, you're just as important to this family. I will not put you in an uncomfortable or potentially volatile situation, out of a sense of loyalty.”

My brain latched onto “volatile situation,” and couldn’t let go. “He hates me.” It slipped out. I sounded as pathetic as I felt. It made sense that Ben would be angry with me, considering how I dumped him. Still, some part of me was crushed at the thought of him hating me. 

Aunt Leia sighed and leaned back in her seat. “I don't think Ben is capable of hating you. That doesn't mean he can't hurt you or himself.” 

“He sure proved that.” I could almost taste my own bitterness as I let out a humorless laugh. 

She took my hand, and gave it a squeeze. “No one can punish Ben as well as Ben punishes himself.”

That reminded me of something Mitra had said about Ben, when I asked why they broke up.  _ “He makes it so hard to love him, on purpose. It’s like a test. Every bullshit thing Ben does is him daring you to give up on him, because he gave up on himself a lot time ago.” _

Mitra still loved him, which surprised me. She seemed so sure about her choice to leave him and keep her distance. I thought you could only do that if you didn’t love someone anymore. Mitra explained that she and Ben were too good at hurting each other. _ “Sometimes the best way you can love someone is to leave them.” _

I told myself that was what I had done with Ben, that leaving was what was best for both of us. Then I had gotten the call from Aunt Leia and his voicemail. My confidence had been deeply shaken. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was responsible for what he had done. 

Aunt Leia touched my chin, shaking me out of my head and bringing me back to myself. “Only he can help himself, dear. Lord knows I’ve learned that the hard way. I don’t want you to lose yourself trying to fix him. You deserve more.” 

“I’m not a kid anymore.” I stared at her, my chest tightening with fear. 

It wasn’t like I thought she didn’t know something happened between Ben and I. They did find us in a motel room together, had to have seen us kiss in front of the house on my birthday. Despite all that, no one ever spoke about it out loud.

“You were never allowed to be a kid, Rey. I only ever wanted to give you that chance back. If my protectiveness came across as judgement I’m sorry.” She brushed her fingers over my cheeks, and I realized she was wiping away tears. “I of all people have no place to judge either of you.” 

That tipped me over the edge and I began to sob. My body shook with each exhale, like the air was being torn out of me. Aunt Leia pulled me into her arms and didn’t let go until I had stopped. 

Once I was able to speak again all I could say was, “I need to see him.”

She nodded and pulled back onto the road. We passed the rest of the time in relative silence, she occasionally smiled at me. I felt a strange relief and freedom, like a weight had finally left my chest allowing me to breathe.

The waiting room was sterile and chilly despite the sun shining bright outside. I hated hospitals. Hated how they pretended to be clean and pristine, while being full of sickness and death. I really didn’t like the idea of Ben being there. It reminded me of how close he had come to being dead.

All the freedom and relief I had felt in the car was gone. I was back to being a ball of tension and anxiety. My skin itched, and my head ached. I paced around the waiting room, checking the clock every few minutes. About the time I was ready to run out of the room screaming, I caught sight of Ben walking down the hallway. 

He was hard to miss. A towering giant in flowing pale blue robe with matching pajamas and fuzzy pink socks. All the doctors and patients around him looked like kids by comparison. His eyes were hidden behind huge sunglasses that looked like they belong to an old lady, not a rockstar. There was a bruise on his chin, and split in his bottom lip that looked ready to break open when he smiled at us.

I found myself smiling back, and thinking  _ He’s alive _ . Suddenly, I could breathe again, the weight in my chest replaced by something warm. It spread through me as I watched Ben envelop his mother in a hug. She practically disappeared in his arms, and I giggled a little at the sight. 

“You came.” Ben looked at me. Time drained away in an instant, and I was blushing. 

“Of course we did,” Aunt Leia replied, emerging from Ben’s arms, and pulled him down by the collar of his shirt so she could kiss his cheek. “We’re family--”

“That’s what we do, I know mom.” He rolled his eyes, just like the old Ben I remembered. 

He stepped toward me. I wasn’t sure if he was going to try to hug me or not. So I just gave him an awkward smile and kept my hands at my side. 

Thankfully, Aunt Leia started talking so I didn’t have to. “Are you hungry? Thirsty? What are they feeding you here?”

“Actually, I could really use a coffee if you don’t mind.” Ben sat down in a chair, dramatically. “I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“I suppose I can manage coffee,” she replied, and turned to me. “Rey, would you like something?”

I could see the hidden question in her expression. She wasn’t just asking about coffee. This was an out in case I didn’t want to be left alone with Ben.    
  
“I’m okay,” I told her, and took a seat opposite of Ben. “Thank you.” 

She glanced at us one last time before walking away, leaving us alone. With the exception of Ben and I, the waiting room was empty. It felt private, intimate. 

Ben stretched out in his chair, his long legs reaching across the distance between us. His pink socks almost touched the toes of my boots. He looked at ease, almost cheerful. I knew it was bullshit. 

“What happened to your face?” I gestured to my own mouth and chin. 

“A parting gift from my former bandmates,” he sighed, taking off his sunglasses to reveal two black eyes and medical tape across the bridge of his nose.

“Fuck,” I spat out. 

“Yeah, they were rightfully pissed when they found out how badly our manager was screwing us over. Them more than me.” He laughed humorlessly and shook his head. “Hux informed me they were leaving and Phasma drove the point home with a few punches.” 

“She hit you?” I knew Phasma was big, a former rugby player in fact, but she didn’t seem like the kind of person to just pound on someone.

Ben just gave me a guilty smile. “Oh, I deserved it. I was high and said some really fucked up shit. I’m actually surprised we lasted through the whole tour.”

He kept talking. Telling me stories about how he had almost fallen out of a helicopter over Paris. How he got them kicked out of five star hotel because he put his fist through a television. He told the stories like he was proud, but I could tell he was faking it. 

Ben was a mess, a beautiful trainwreck with a charming smile and two black eyes. He was trying so hard to be that guy, but it didn’t work anymore. I could see right through him.

This was worse than the old angry Ben. At least when he hated me I could see some part of the real him shining through. This grinning clown was a stranger. It felt like Ben was slowly sinking under the water, and all I could do was watch in horror.

“Stop it!” I didn’t mean to shout, but it worked. 

Ben’s smile disappeared. He slouched in his chair. I could almost feel him shutting down. It only made me more desperate to reach him. To get him to listen to me.

“This needs to stop, Ben.” I tried to get him to look at me, but he wouldn’t raise his eyes. 

“What?” He was toying with his sunglasses, like a kid in trouble. 

“You almost died.” It came out in a sob, all my strength and determination went with it. “I can’t take it, Ben. That message, and you trying to kill yourself.”

“It was an accident,” he argued weakly. 

I jumped out of my seat, crossing the space between us, grabbed the glasses and threw them on the floor. “Do not lie to me.”

Ben raised his eyes, “How about you stop lying to yourself?”

He was angry.  _ Good _ , I thought. It meant I have finally gotten his attention. The problem was, I wasn’t quite sure what the hell to do with it. 

I knew Aunt Leia was right. I couldn’t save Ben. He had to decide to do it himself. I tried Mitra’s way, tried to leave. It only made things worse. There had to be another way, some way to get through to him. I was desperate, and the fear of losing him drove me to do something I had sworn I would never do. Never say again out loud. If this didn’t reach him, nothing would. 

“Fine.” I stared right back at him, even as the tears streamed down my face. “I love you. Are you happy now?”

There it was, the secret I had been carrying since that night in my room. I never stopped loving him, and I doubted I ever would, but I couldn’t give up my family. That included him.

Ben didn’t gloat or smile. His face fell, a look of shock and despair overtaking his expression. He seems to crumple under the weight of what I’d said. It hurt to watch. 

I stepped closer, pulled him into my arms. He pressed his face into my stomach, wrapped his arms around my waist, and clung to me. I could feel the heat of his breath through my shirt as he sobbed, felt his tears dampen the fabric. His whole body shook with it. I just held onto him. As if my tiny arms could keep him from falling apart. 

“If I have to live with this, Ben, you do too.”  I kissed the top of his head, the hope in my voice surprising even me. “Okay?”

He took a deep breath, and tilted his head up to look at me. ”Okay.” 

“Thank you.” I combed my fingers through his hair, and they quickly got tangled. 

“Hot coffee.” Aunt Leia startled me, as she appearing beside us with a cup of coffee in her hand. 

Ben pulled away, but I grabbed his hand before he got too far. I sat down beside him, and held his hand in full view of his mother. Ben glanced at me nervously, but didn’t let go. He took the coffee cup from his mother and sipped it, while we sat in silence.

Aunt Leia was looking at us, I couldn’t read her expression. I wasn’t sure how she was going to take it, even after our conversation in the car. Ben tried to tug his hand away, but I held on tight, and met his mother’s gaze. 

Finally, Aunt Leia took a deep breath and spoke, “I think it’s time we all talked about something. Ben’s accident has made me realize--”

“Mom, please stop.” Ben tried to interrupt her, his ears were red, and I could tell he was getting angry, defensive. “We all know it wasn’t a fucking accident.” 

“Benjamin Organa-Solo,” Aunt Leia’s voice  was stern, and a little scary. “Do not interrupt me.” 

All the courage I had a few minutes ago seeped out of me, and I felt myself shrink a little into my chair. Ben shut his mouth, and stared at the floor. He was trying to still look mad, but I could tell he was a little scared too.

“Now, I’ve tried to keep quiet, let you two work this out yourselves,” she sighed. “But we can see how well that’s worked out. You both need to understand something. I love you, and nothing will change that.”

“But Dad--” Ben started to speak, but she shut him down again.

“Will always love you,” she reached over and brushed the hair from Ben’s face. “You let me deal with both your father and my brother. What matters is that you’re happy, Ben. You both deserve that.”

She was looking at me. I couldn’t help it; I started crying again. I kept all this bottled up inside me, strangled on it for years. Now it was just out there, and it was like something inside me cracked open. I couldn’t shut it off. Ben took me in his arms, and I just sobbed into his shoulder. It was his turn to hold me together. Soon enough Aunt Leia joined us, holding my hand, and reassuring us everything would work out. We would be okay. 

Eventually, I stopped crying. We began to just talk, like normal people. Well, maybe not so normal, but honest. Ben and his mom discussed treatment programs, occasionally asking for my thoughts. My dad texted me, and I got an idea. I asked Ben if he wanted me to see if my father could help him with his manager. 

For a minute I thought Ben would say no, but after a few tense moments he nodded. “That would be great. Thanks.” 

I sent the text to my dad. He replied in under a minute with “Of course.” That’s my dad. I hoped Aunt Leia was right and she could make him okay with Ben and I. As if he could tell I was worrying, Ben kissed the back of my hand. I smiled at him, but he was back to talking to his mother. He was calm, content even. Best of all, it was real. Not the fake cool guy act. This was real Ben, and he was happy.

After an hour of talking we had to leave, Ben had some sort of therapy meeting, and we had to drive to the airport to pick up my dad. As we stood up, Ben enveloped me into a hug. I forgot what it was like to be hugged by Ben. How warm and safe it felt. I didn’t realize how much I had missed him until we were saying goodbye again. 

When he finally pulled away, he took hold of my face between his hands, and kissed me softly. “I’ll see you soon.” 

“Yes,” was all I could manage to say. I was so overwhelmed by everything.  

It felt too easy. Like something else was going to go wrong. I couldn’t imagine a world where we could be happy. 

As I watch Ben say goodbye to his mother, and walk down the hallway, something unfurled inside my chest. Something new and a little scary. I think it was hope.    
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First thing to know about me is I'm an asshole.   
> Second, I live by the rule "leave them wanting more."
> 
> This was always a story about Rey finding family. Ben is a part of her family. It ended when Rey's family was reunited and whole again. 
> 
> What happens after is up to you. If you want to write more about what you think might happened feel free. I don't own these characters or the world they come from. 
> 
> Thank you so much for giving this story a chance. I appreciate all the comments and support. I hope it was as entertaining to read as it was to write. 
> 
> Until we meet again.  
> You're faithful trashlady.
> 
> *blows a filthy kiss and returns to the dumpster fire from whence she was birthed*


End file.
